Introduction
You often find yourself trapped in endless debates trying to decode mixed signals from men. Dating advice usually relies on personal anecdotes, leaving you with conflicting rules and lingering doubts.
The insights in the book rely on massive-scale quantitative surveys of hundreds of thousands of men, replacing subjective speculation with empirical data.
Christopher Brya cuts through the noise by presenting direct evidence from a massive male audience. You will learn the hidden mechanics of male desire, commitment fears, and communication styles.
The book answers critical questions about male psychology.
- What do men actually notice on a first date?
- Why do men pull away right after intimacy?
- How do men process relationship conflict?
- What triggers a man's desire for long-term commitment?
1. Methodology and Research Foundation
The insights in the book rely on massive-scale quantitative surveys of hundreds of thousands of men, replacing subjective speculation with empirical data.
The Solavista Panel
The empirical foundation of the book relies on a proprietary two-million-strong research panel managed by Solavista Inc. This panel was utilized to source participants for online surveys targeting U.S. and Canadian demographics regarding dating, relationships, and communication. In October 2010, U.S. and Canadian women aged eighteen to seventy-two were surveyed to gather questions they wanted to ask men.
To ensure honest and uninhibited answers, survey participants were compensated and guaranteed strict privacy protections. Respondents were paid for their participation and assured that only their first names and ages would appear in published findings.
Survey Scope
The insights presented are derived from massive scale quantitative surveying involving hundreds of thousands of individual male responses. Over one thousand women submitted initial questions, which were subsequently processed into 250 distinct questions answered by unique cohorts of men. In November 2010, U.S. and Canadian men aged eighteen to sixty-six answered the collected questions. This structure involved one thousand men per question, resulting in over 250,000 total male respondents.
The research does not claim to be a strictly weighted scientific study representative of the entire North American population. The authors openly acknowledge that the sampling methodology was unweighted and inherently excluded individuals without internet access due to the online survey format.
The authors treat the book as a continuous work in progress that relies on ongoing debate and reader interaction. Readers are encouraged to submit their own questions, agree or disagree with the answers provided, and participate in future book development through the website. The website www.wtfarementhinking.com serves as a digital companion where users share thoughts and sign up for email newsletters.
- Visit www.wtfarementhinking.com to share thoughts and questions.
- Sign up for the email newsletter.
2. Dating and Communication Dynamics
Men approach dating initiation, communication, and conflict with specific tactical behaviors designed to protect themselves from rejection.
Men generally wait 1 to 3 days to call a woman after getting her number to avoid appearing overly eager. Allen, age 27, stated he usually waits 1 or 2 days if nothing was agreed upon, while Vincent, age 31, prefers a brief call the next day to establish contact. Waiting balances showing interest without looking too desperate.
64 percent of men say they do not just stop calling a woman without a reason. 36 percent of men do not call back because they had a bad time or wish to avoid rejection. Marc, age 38, noted that if sex happens on the first date and there is no callback, the game is over. Arnold, age 25, outlined reasons ranging from fear of rejection to meeting someone else.
Darius, age 37, finds it refreshing for a woman to make a bold move to take guesswork out of the equation. Women making the first move or calling for a date are viewed as flattering and refreshing.
Waiting to Call
48 percent of men use or would use pickup lines, poems, or jokes to break the ice. 30 percent of men use these approaches to impress women and show a creative side. Fabian, age 31, explained that jokes and poems make it easy to break the ice and avert situations where they might feel rejected.
54 percent of men find it difficult to share feelings due to cultural and social norms. 32 percent of men said they cannot talk about feelings because they are too shy or prefer privacy. Chris, age 32, stated he prefers to keep problems to himself to solve them independently and avoid looking weak.
40 percent of men try to avoid talking because they feel a discussion will lead to a fight. 19 percent of men avoid talking because they dislike the associated emotional issues. Jonathan, age 38, advised easing into conversations naturally rather than scheduling formal discussions, which feel like a trap.
- Avoid starting conversations with phrases like We need to talk or Can we talk.
- Ease into conversations naturally as if just chatting instead of scheduling formal discussions.
Fixing versus Listening
62 percent of men say they would not lie just to spare feelings. 38 percent of men think it is okay to lie if it protects a loved one. 65 percent of men lie primarily to avoid fighting. Kev, age 25, noted they lie about small things to avoid setting off an argument over minor details.
58 percent of men try to solve the problem immediately when a partner is upset. 42 percent of men will refrain from fixing if told beforehand that the partner is only venting. Thomas, age 24, explained that giving a response rather than just listening is his way of showing care and a desire to help.
- Make your intent clear from the start by explicitly stating I am just venting.
- Set expectations upfront so your partner knows whether you need advice or simply a listening ear.
3. First Dates and Commitment
Men evaluate women through specific first date criteria and harbor distinct fears regarding commitment and freedom.
You might wonder who should make the first move. While a small percentage of men still believe the traditional macho approach is required because women like being pursued, a majority view a woman taking the first step as a relief since men often miss subtle hints or feel burdened by old-school rules. Jennifer, age 29, asked men if it is okay to ask them out, prompting responses from Paul (27), Marcus (34), and Don (43) confirming it is appreciated, countered by George (37) and Ken (24) who prefer traditional chivalry.
Dinner at a casual restaurant is overwhelmingly preferred by men as the standard and best first date option. Men favor dinner over coffee or lunch because it provides ample time to converse and learn about each other's personalities through literal tastes, while avoiding overly fancy venues that scream desperation or group settings that distract from the person. Dee, age 52, wondered where to take a man on a date, leading Larry (34) and Jeffery (47) to recommend casual dinners to focus entirely on each other.
Many men masturbate prior to a date as a form of sexual chivalry to ensure better physical performance and endurance. From the male perspective, ejaculating before a date prevents premature climax and helps them stay calm, treating it as a proactive measure to ensure mutual sexual satisfaction if intimacy occurs. Susan, age 22, asked if men masturbate before dates like in the movie There is Something About Mary, and men like Anton (61), Raymond (44), and Andy (31) confirmed they do so to last longer in bed.
Second Date Turnoffs
Arrogance, poor hygiene, and phone distraction during a date are primary behaviors that cost women a second date. Men heavily weigh small behaviors and view arrogance, excessive drinking, smoking, bad nail hygiene, and texting at the table as major red flags that signal a lack of interest or bad character. Tim (51) refused to call back a date who acted like everyone in a nice restaurant was beneath her, and Jason (31) rejected a woman because of nasty fingernails and gum chewing.
- Put your cell phones away during the date.
- Check excessive drinking and smoking at the door.
- Maintain good hygiene, avoiding bad breath, bad teeth, or bad fingernails.
Being fun to be around and possessing a compatible personality are the top deciding factors for a second date. While physical attraction matters, men overwhelmingly prioritize a woman's personality, spontaneity, and ability to hold intelligent, engaging conversation without awkward pauses. Ruby, age 32, wondered why good dates with great conversation failed to yield a repeat invite, which statistics addressed by showing that 54 percent of men require a woman to be fun and 46 percent value personality.
Men use phrases like come over and chill as a polite euphemism to avoid being labeled aggressive or offensive. Because direct invitations for sex run the risk of immediate rejection or social penalties, men wrap their intentions in nonthreatening language to act cool and break the ice. Brittany, age 19, questioned why men ask her over to chill when they only want sex, and Keith (29) and Silvio (61) admitted that a direct invite would go over like a fart in church.
Commitment and Fear
Most men expect or hope for sex within the first four dates, and a significant portion will walk away if it does not happen. While some men are willing to wait, a high percentage set a threshold around four dates to gauge physical compatibility, and more than two-thirds will stop pursuing a woman if they feel no sexual progression is occurring. Judy, age 27, and Elise, age 45, asked about male timelines, prompting Aaron (24) and Giorgio (38) to cite a three-to-four-date limit before determining the woman is not interested.
An easygoing personality and an attractive face with a nice smile are the primary features men seek long-term. When looking past initial physical hooks, 94 percent of men prioritize intelligence and an easygoing attitude, while facial features and a warm smile take precedence over body specifics like breasts. Sarah (22) and Kat (42) sought clarity on traits and physical features, leading Marshal (18) and Craig (40) to emphasize easygoing compatibility, and 72 percent of men to cite the face as the top visual draw.
Men's reluctance to commit stems largely from deep-seated fears regarding freedom, past experiences, and financial vulnerability. Commitment phobia is driven by a fear of losing independence, cultural pressure to provide financially, fear of unexpected pregnancy, and the anxiety of being trapped or falsely accused of wrongdoing after a split. Krista, age 28, asked why men avoid marriage, and Brian (25) listed fears of domestic violence accusations and child support, while Jeremy (35) cited a fear of losing personal freedom.
A negative shift in attitude, personality changes, or a withdrawal of sexual interest are the main triggers for men to end a relationship. Men rarely break up because a woman let her physical appearance go; instead, 60 percent point to foundational personality shifts, and 34 percent point to a lack of intimacy as the primary signal that a relationship is over. Julie, age 20, wondered if letting go of appearance causes breakups, but Jürgen (37) and Paul (40) countered that foundation erosion and bedroom withdrawal are the true deal-breakers.
4. Sex, Desires, and Intimacy
Male sexual preferences prioritize variety, experimentation, and active engagement over passive routines.
While a common stereotype assumes men always want to be in complete control and make the first move, data shows that a significant majority of men feel wanted and turned on when a woman takes the initiative. 61 percent of men want to be pursued sexually, whereas 39 percent of men admitted they like to be the aggressor.
Jeannie, a 30-year-old married woman, worried her husband might be cheating because he rarely initiated, but he actually loved it when she took charge. A woman's confidence and proactive attitude are much stronger turn-ons for men than her youth. When asked about their biggest turn-ons, men rarely cited youth; instead, they emphasize a passionate, vocal, and assertive attitude where the woman clearly knows what she wants and participates actively.
Victoria, a 50-year-old married woman, worried that getting older meant she could no longer turn her husband on, but men's responses confirmed mindset matters most. 90 percent of men say they do like to experiment during sex. Because men get bored easily with repetitive acts, they appreciate partners who are willing to try new positions, outfits, or toys, which also helps prevent them from looking elsewhere.
Dana, age 35, wondered why her husband was never content with the missionary position and always wanted to try new things.
You can approach this experimentation step by step:
- Start small with sexy outfits.
- Work your way up to new positions and toys.
Foreplay and Experimentation
The vast majority of men enjoy foreplay and view it as essential for setting the mood and intensifying sex. Contrary to the belief that men just want to rush into intercourse, most men find foreplay crucial because it helps the woman get aroused and builds mutual connection, though a small minority prefer a quick summary. 94 percent of men do enjoy foreplay, and 84 percent of men agree that foreplay is as important as actually having sex, while 16 percent say foreplay is not as important.
Debi, a 42-year-old married woman, assumed her husband disliked foreplay because his approach lasted only about five minutes.
Doggy style and woman on top are men's top-rated sexual positions due to visual appeal and control. Men favor positions that offer a full view or allow the woman to direct the flow, while oral sex actually ranks lower as a position in this context because men view it differently. 28 percent of men prefer doggie style, and 26 percent of men love having a woman on top. Weston, age 24, stated he loves doggy style because it feels naughty and allows him to see his partner's back and butt.
Men are drawn to anal sex primarily because of its taboo nature and the physical tightness it provides. The appeal is split equally between the psychological excitement of breaking rules and the distinct physical sensation, requiring high trust and careful progression between partners. 38 percent of men like anal because it is taboo, and 38 percent like anal because it feels better. Drew, age 28, highlighted the excitement of virgin territory and the shared experience of anal play.
Grooming and Anatomy
The vast majority of men strongly prefer women to be shaved or closely trimmed in their pubic area. Men prefer this grooming because it makes oral sex more visually pleasing and tastier, prevents hair from scratching, and signals cleanliness and self-care. 82 percent of men say they love it when a woman shaves or at least trims, while 18 percent of men like it hairy and all natural. Jennifer, age 30, noticed her former boyfriend was taken aback when she let her pubic hair grow out due to laziness.
Men strongly prefer stockings and garters over other types of lingerie, ranking it second only to being completely naked. Men find garter belts and thigh-highs to be a major turn-on that accentuates a woman's legs and backside, and they advise letting the man help select styles through the web. Rick, age 48, noted that stockings and garters make a woman look like a bad girl, and Michael, age 20, found tall stockings to be a huge and adventurous turn-on.
You can apply these lingerie tips directly:
- Have your partner help you surf the web for lingerie so he can indicate his personal taste.
- Select a style from his feedback, put it on, and wear it with complete confidence.
Watching pornography is common among normal men and usually serves as an outlet that coexists with a committed relationship. Men are visually stimulated and use porn for fantasy and variety, which most men argue acts as an outlet rather than a substitute for loving their partners or an intent to cheat. 54 percent of men admit to watching porn. Amanda, age 30, was surprised when her conservative tax lawyer husband admitted he occasionally watched porn movies.
A temporary drop in a man's desire for sex is usually driven by external life factors rather than dissatisfaction with his partner. When men experience dry spells or low libido, the most common culprits cited are workplace stress, financial worries, fatigue, or depression. Alicia, age 28, grew concerned when the frequency of sex with her boyfriend dropped from twice a week to once or twice a month.
Most men view performance issues and impotence as a devastating blow to their self-esteem and manhood. Because men are results-oriented and competitive, failing to maintain an erection is treated as a personal failure, though it is usually caused by physical exhaustion or stress rather than the partner's attractiveness. 82 percent of men see impotence as a sign of failure. Candace, age 39, noticed her husband felt demoralized and took it personally whenever he experienced occasional performance issues.
The vast majority of men deeply appreciate what their wives or girlfriends do for them, even if they fail to express it constantly. Eighty-eight percent of men recognize their partner as their best friend, soul mate, and primary support system, while the small percentage who answered negatively cited being single or dealing with constant nagging. Devin, age 26, described how his girlfriend helped him with bills so he could make a school payment, concluding that making her happy is his main priority.
You should maintain active communication in these areas:
- Talk to your man nicely about how he can show you he appreciates you if you need your efforts noticed more.
- Communicate directly when something is bothering you, keeping in mind that men are definitely not mind readers.
10 Key Ideas
- The insights in the book rely on massive-scale quantitative surveys of hundreds of thousands of men, replacing subjective speculation with empirical data.
- Men approach dating initiation, communication, and conflict with specific tactical behaviors designed to protect themselves from rejection.
- Men evaluate women through specific first date criteria and harbor distinct fears regarding commitment and freedom.
- Men avoid starting conversations with phrases like "We need to talk" or "Can we talk," preferring to ease into conversations naturally.
- Men favor dinner over coffee or lunch for a first date because it provides ample time to converse and learn about each other's personalities.
- Being fun to be around and possessing a compatible personality are the top deciding factors for a second date.
- Male sexual preferences prioritize variety, experimentation, and active engagement over passive routines.
- The vast majority of men enjoy foreplay and view it as essential for setting the mood and intensifying sex.
- Doggy style and woman on top are men's top-rated sexual positions due to visual appeal and control.
- The vast majority of men strongly prefer women to be shaved or closely trimmed in their pubic area to make oral sex more visually pleasing and tastier.