Book summary “We Both Laughed In Pleasure”: summary

Introduction

You often feel isolated when your internal identity clashes with rigid categories handed to you by society. Finding a path toward authentic self-expression can seem impossible when historical precedents do not exist for your specific desires.

Lou Sullivan's thirty-year journals document his pioneering journey as a trans man who successfully proved he could be both gay and trans.

This book chronicles thirty years of personal writing, tracking a life from early adolescence through medical transition and community activism. You follow his progression through five distinct phases of identity exploration, medical navigation, and political resistance.

• How do you construct a livable identity when medical authorities reject your desires?
• What does it take to build an entirely new community from scratch?
• How do you maintain your integrity while facing a terminal illness?

1. Adolescence and Early Gender Exploration

You discover your foundational identity during adolescence by finding emotional outlets in counterculture and recognizing cross-gender desires as your own interpretation of happiness.

At age 13, Lou Sullivan wrote in his diary about wanting people to recognize him as someone with his own interpretation of happiness. You conceptualize your identity not through assigned gender roles, but through this personal pursuit. Susan Stryker notes how trans subjects successfully align their identities with the Real by rewriting them into their flesh.

The Beatles served as an emotional anchor and a catalyst for personal liberation during adolescence. You experienced intense emotional highs and lows surrounding the band, using them as role models for behavior and personal expression.

Crying uncontrollably, you touched the car that transported The Beatles during their visit. You donated 7 dollars toward a 20-dollar pair of boots to match your idols and rebel against conventional structures.

Cross-gender identification and dressing in boy's clothing provided a strong sense of relief and masculine expression. You engaged in role-play as boys since childhood and deliberately wore masculine attire.

Wearing a white shirt, tie, and black slacks to your guitar lessons, you dreamed of dressing as a boy to walk down the street. A John hat helped you feel tough and big.

Masturbation and sexual desires brought severe internal conflict alongside a strong bodily need for physical touch. You experienced profound guilt and self-disgust while recognizing that these physical needs were natural.

Masturbating multiple times at work, you sought release by drawing dirty pictures or paging through books.

The beatnik coffeehouse served as a vital cultural sanctuary for non-conformist youth. The Avant Garde provided an underground atmosphere where you gathered to listen to Bob Dylan, smoke cigarettes, and escape traditional societal expectations.

You worked and hung out at the Avant Garde, interacting with figures like Richard and Gordy before getting a job washing cups.

Achieving financial and residential independence from high school and family marked a definitive transition into adulthood. Leaving Pius High School and securing an apartment on the East Side allowed you to experience personal freedom and escape domestic friction.

Dropping out of school at age 16, you shouted an insult at Pius High School and moved into an apartment on Albion Street paying 65 dollars a month for rent.

2. Navigating Transvestism and Gay Desire

You experience a deep passion for male homosexual culture, desiring to live as a man among gay men. The core desire is not just to be with gay men, but to be one. You often pretend to be a man during intimacy and feel that your true passion belongs in the gay world.

You navigate the complex intersection of cross-dressing, male homosexual culture, and initial medical transition thoughts while building community through the Gay Peoples Union.

You read City of Night by John Rechy and Martin Hoffman's The Gay World after finding them recommended by the Gay Liberation Front. You feel an immediate, deep connection to that stormy world.

You and your lover J experiment with open, free relationships to avoid feeling trapped, despite navigating intense bouts of jealousy. J insists on a totally free relationship where both can come and go, except for unfaithfulness. This allows you to pursue outside attractions while maintaining your core bond.

After 2 and a half years of relationship, you try to pick up men on Brady Street. You later have an affair with a young man named Beau. J shares his affection and eye-flirting with other individuals like Sara.

Dressing in high drag and adopting masculine presentation allows you to pass in public spaces and experience the freedom of being a young man. You wear a binder to flatten the chest, black Levi's, a black leather jacket, and handcuffs. You frequently pass as a young boy or a sissy butch in gay bars and on the street.

At a bar in Milwaukee, a drunk man feels your chest and hips. He ultimately decides you are female or the best drag in the city. Bartenders in New York mistake you for a young boy, and Bo once asks you for 55¢ for cigarettes.

You contemplate undergoing a mastectomy and taking male hormones to align the body with the internal experience of being a man. You face fears about changing reproductive functions or losing J's acceptance. You weigh the pros and cons of male hormones, such as a deeper voice and reduced breast size, versus the pain of binding.

You read The Transsexual Phenomenon and other literature. You write about the desire to have a flat chest and a male body to permanently resolve the internal gender split.

You become deeply involved with the Gay Peoples Union, finding a supportive community and eventually taking on administrative and counseling roles. Participating in meetings, writing articles for GPU News, and winning election as secretary allows you to connect with other transvestites and transsexuals. You offer counseling to heterosexually married transvestites.

In 1975, you are elected Secretary of the Gay Peoples Union unanimously. You meet Elizabeth Marshall, Eldon Murray, and Alyn Hess through GPU activities. You collaborate on interviews and community support for gender-variant individuals, including an interview with a 44-year-old trans person named Betty.

3. Relocation and Gender Integration

You relocate to San Francisco to escape a stagnant life, juggling masculine presentation and women's clothing while confronting the realities of bodily autonomy and social alienation.

You grow deeply exhausted by your stagnant life in Milwaukee, including bars, friends, and your job. Moving to San Francisco with J offers you a completely fresh environment where you initially find affordable housing and a welcoming atmosphere for queer people.

You and J take a 12:20 train on July 19, arriving July 21, 1975, where you quickly rent a clean studio apartment for $165 a month near the downtown and gay areas.

After moving in together in San Francisco, you and J find that being constantly side-by-side wears heavily on your nerves, breeds mutual distrust, and causes unnecessary jealousy. Deciding to get separate apartments helps you alleviate domestic tension and reduces the anxiety of waiting at home.

After J frequently returns late and you sit home crying, you insist you get separate places, giving notice to the landlord for June 25.

You navigate the complex process of engaging with gender clinics, psychologists, and trans-specific support groups. These sessions force an examination of past history, but also reveal the heavy emotional toll of deciding whether to pursue medical transition or accept a non-binary life.

You contact Claire Capor, a counselor for transsexuals, and attend sessions at the Center for Special Problems, while closely following public figures like Steve Dain who underwent a sex change.

For someone struggling with gender identity and the social expectations of female biological roles, the prospect of pregnancy brings profound horror and guilt. Securing sterilization offers a profound sense of oneness and peace, independent of whether you fully transition.

You initially resolve to seek sterilization through Planned Parenthood to eliminate the fear of pregnancy, though you later call off the procedure and opt for birth control pills instead after deciding to explore wearing women's clothing.

Accepting both masculine and feminine aspects of yourself can alleviate the agonizing pressure to choose a single, fixed gender presentation. After months of severe emotional torment regarding whether to transition to male or remain female, you experience relief by choosing to juggle both halves rather than letting one oust the other. Buying and wearing a dress without encountering negative public reactions proves that you can integrate these experiences.

You go shopping in women's departments, buy a $25 dress and nylons, wear them at home, and find the experience surprisingly calm and normal, allowing you to step back from rigid gender transitions.

• Take your time looking and trying things on to avoid panicking when shopping in women's departments.

4. Medical Transition and Full-Time Manhood

You commit to a female-to-male transition, undergoing testosterone therapy and bilateral mastectomy to align your physical body with your identity as a gay man.

After years of cross-dressing and trying to reconcile your identities, you realize you can no longer suppress your desire to live as a man. You feel you have waited 28 years before finally getting testosterone. You visit doctors like Leibman, who is suspicious and unsupportive, but later receives strong backing from Steve Dain and Dr. Wardell Pomeroy, who validate your identity as a gay trans man.

You receive an initial dose of 50 mg of Depo-Testosterone. Administering your first testosterone shot independently marks a major milestone in physical transition and personal autonomy. You give yourself your testosterone shot in the thigh for the first time with coaching from Kathy Steininger, experiencing initial faintness and prolonged muscle soreness while feeling a sense of self-reliance.

• Coach the injection process with a knowledgeable person like Kathy Steininger.
• Administer the shot into the thigh muscle.
• Keep giving the injections independently to foster self-reliance despite initial discomfort.

Dr. Edward Falces performs your mastectomy. Undergoing bilateral mastectomy allows you to align your physical body with your male identity and feel comfortable in your own skin. The surgery removes all breast tissue to eliminate cancer risk and gives you a flat chest, drastically increasing your self-confidence and physical comfort.

Dr. Falces charges a fee of $1,500, and you make a hospital prepayment of $2,000 for the surgery. You take two weeks off work and the period before you can lift weights again.

• Discontinue washing with Phisohex and use Betadine to clear up acne.
• Build up pectoral muscles by putting hands on hips and pressing in as an isometric exercise.
• Apply Vitamin E oil on scars and move wounded skin from side to side one minute per day to loosen scar tissue from muscle.

As a trans man identifying as a gay man, you learn to navigate sexual encounters and relationships with cisgender gay and bisexual men. You explore dating, hookups, and romantic encounters with various men, including a sailor, a highway patrolman, and musicians like Ray. You learn to manage your physical presentation, body disclosure, and the unique dynamics of male-to-male interactions.

You hook up with a 23-year-old sailor from Houston who accepts you completely, treating you as a gay man without questioning your lack of natal male genitals.

5. Community Building and the AIDS Epidemic

You complete your surgeries, establish the FTM peer-support community, publish historical research on Jack Garland, and face a terminal AIDS diagnosis.

Surgical procedures for female-to-male transition involve significant physical discomfort, recurring revisions, and emotional vulnerability when results do not immediately match expectations. You undergo chest reconstruction and genital surgeries with Dr. Michael Brownstein, facing multiple complications such as implant rejections, the removal and replacement of testicle implants, and catheter recovery struggles. Despite the physical toll and setbacks, you view these steps as essential to feeling complete in your body. Dr. Brownstein has to remove and later resize testicle implants due to sizing issues and swelling, forcing you through multiple recovery phases. The chest implant revision costs $450, while the genital surgery procedure totals $5000.

Despite your terminal AIDS diagnosis, you fiercely pursue the completion of your genital surgeries, successfully receiving your left testicular implant. You are diagnosed with Pneumocystis carinii pneumonia and AIDS in December 1986 after experiencing severe shortness of breath during an apartment move. Contracting AIDS as a sexually inactive trans man highlights the painful irony of acquiring a promiscuity-associated disease while fighting for the right to live as a gay man. You ride your motorcycle to the Haight Ashbury Free Clinic and subsequently to UC Medical Center Emergency, where doctors almost immediately diagnose you with advanced AIDS. Dr. Brownstein performs the left testicular implant surgery in early 1987 after you push back against medical reluctance and needle-stick concerns. You overcome the deep psychological barrier of having incomplete genitals, noting you spent over 35 years feeling like a spirit dragging around an outer shell before getting your surgeries.

Finding peers within an emerging demographic provides vital validation, transforming isolation into a sense of historical continuity and brotherhood.

As you connect with other female-to-male trans individuals, such as Erik Sean, John Leiken, and Brice Roycell, you shift from feeling like an isolated freak to recognizing your status as an old-timer who can mentor newcomers. You organize regular get-togethers for FTM individuals, expanding attendance to record highs, and edit your FTM newsletter. You host and talk with younger FTM individuals who visit you in San Francisco to discuss their transitions and find guidance, mirroring how you once searched for mentorship. At your 9th FTM get-together, 21 female-to-males and 14 guests attend. Your persistence culminates when gender professionals at the Harry Benjamin Gender Dysphoria Association Symposium officially validate the existence and rights of female-to-gay-male transsexuals. At the Benjamin Symposium, Lin Fraser announces that phalloplasties are functional and that it is officially okay to be a female-to-gay male.

Uncovering the hidden histories of historical figures with similar life paths validates your existence and provides a meaningful creative project. You dedicate intense effort to researching, archiving, and writing a biography about Jack Garland, a historical passing figure. You visit the Bancroft Library in Berkeley and the California Historical Society, combing through old newspaper indices and personal letters to piece together Garland's life story. You receive an estimated gross inheritance from your father's estate of $18,000, amounting to about $10,000 after taxes and legal fees, which supports your work. Publishing the biography of Jack Bee Garland and securing his archival legacy fulfills your core life mission as a writer and historian. You work relentlessly from your hospital room and apartment to complete your book on Jack Bee Garland, donating your collection of female-to-male historical materials to The Gay Historical Society. Alyson Publications accepts the Garland manuscript, and you receive a final $1,000 advance check while holding the finished book, From Female to Male: The Life of Jack Bee Garland, in your hands in 1990.

You navigate safe sex, jack-off clubs, and intimate encounters as a trans man with AIDS, ultimately finding acceptance and sexual connection. Despite feeling like a leper due to your diagnosis, you visit jack-off clubs like The Academy, paying a $5 one-month membership plus a $4 entrance fee, and attend parties like a 30-man Pan International Global Jack Off gathering on Folsom Street. You have a brief, thrilling encounter with a movie theater ticket taker in the dark aisle of a porno cinema, engaging in the Princeton rub and sharing mutual pleasure. You carefully negotiate safe sex practices while refusing to let your illness completely strip away your carnal pleasures. You follow strict rules to protect yourself and others:

• Refuse to take cum in the mouth
• Do not lick a shitty butt
• Do not get fucked without a condom

10 Key Ideas

1. Lou Sullivan conceptualized his identity not through assigned gender roles, but through a personal pursuit of happiness and authentic self-expression.
2. Cross-gender identification and dressing in boy's clothing provided Sullivan with a strong sense of relief, masculine expression, and emotional liberation during adolescence.
3. Dressing in high drag and adopting masculine presentation allowed Sullivan to pass in public spaces and experience the freedom of being a young man.
4. Sullivan navigated the complex process of engaging with gender clinics and support groups before choosing to undergo a female-to-male transition.
5. Administering his first testosterone shot independently marked a major milestone in physical transition, fostering personal autonomy and self-reliance.
6. Moving to San Francisco and later getting separate apartments helped Sullivan and J alleviate domestic tension and reduce the anxiety of relationship strain.
7. Uncovering the hidden histories of historical figures validated Sullivan's existence and culminated in researching and publishing a biography about Jack Bee Garland.
8. Organizing regular get-togethers and editing an FTM newsletter allowed Sullivan to connect with peers, mentor newcomers, and build an FTM community.
9. Despite contracting AIDS as a sexually inactive trans man, Sullivan carefully navigated safe sex practices and jack-off clubs without letting the illness strip away carnal pleasures.
10. Sullivan fulfilled his core life mission as a writer and historian by completing his book on Jack Bee Garland and donating his historical collection to The Gay Historical Society.