Book summary “Dinners with Ruth”: summary

Introduction

You often navigate demanding professional environments while feeling isolated by systemic barriers and personal loss. Modern life leaves you vulnerable when crises strike without a reliable network of peers to sustain your resilience.

Nina Totenberg addresses this challenge in her memoir Dinners with Ruth: A Memoir on the Power of Friendships. The book chronicles a nearly fifty-year friendship with Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg alongside other pioneering women in journalism and public life.

The central narrative explores how deep personal bonds, shared meals, and mutual support systems enable professional survival and emotional endurance. You will discover how deliberate alliances transform institutional hurdles into opportunities for growth.

The text addresses several vital questions:

• How do you build resilient professional networks across ideological divides?
• What role do shared rituals play in sustaining long-term loyalty?
• How do you balance career ambition with intense personal caregiving?

1. The First Stirrings of Friendship

Beyond biological and marital families, you can establish a supportive family of friends who offer unique assistance and loyalty during life's challenges. Friends step in to help during crises, provide clear perspectives, and blunt the rough spots of life through reciprocal actions. Nina Totenberg and Ruth Bader Ginsburg maintained a close friendship for nearly fifty years despite having very different backgrounds.

Forming a support network of friends helps you navigate systemic professional barriers and personal hardships.

Family Backgrounds and Professional Barriers

When Ruth Bader Ginsburg was growing up, less than 3 percent of lawyers in the country were women. There were only 12 women in Ginsburg's class at Columbia Law School. After graduating tied for first in her class and clerking for a federal judge, Ginsburg received offers from zero out of 12 major law firms she interviewed with.

Institutional wage discrimination was widely accepted and justified by employers on the grounds that male employees needed to support families. When Nina Totenberg worked at The National Observer, her annual salary was $5,200 when earning $100 a week. A newly hired male colleague sitting next to Totenberg received the annual salary of $7,500.

Totenberg's father, Roman Totenberg, learned the violin as a young boy in Russia and performed for large crowds during a terrible famine, earning food that sustained his family. At age 11, Roman Totenberg made his professional debut as a soloist with the Warsaw Philharmonic. At age 24, Roman Totenberg arrived in the United States in 1935. Young Roman Totenberg played the violin for Bolsheviks during a famine and brought home white bread and butter given as payment.

Journalistic Investigations

Investigative reporters covering powerful government officials often faced retaliation, including demands for termination and secret surveillance. After Nina Totenberg published a balanced profile of FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover in The National Observer, Hoover demanded her firing and opened an FBI file on her. Totenberg was given 1 month to work on her profile of J. Edgar Hoover and completed about 50 interviews for the Hoover profile.

Applying the Fourteenth Amendment's equal protection clause to ban sex discrimination required challenging established judicial precedent. Historically, the equal protection clause was applied primarily to racial minorities under strict scrutiny, while gender discrimination was evaluated under a lenient rational basis test. In Reed v. Reed, Ruth Bader Ginsburg wrote an ACLU brief arguing that the Fourteenth Amendment applies to women, leading the Supreme Court to unanimously strike down an Idaho law preferring male estate administrators. The 7-0 unanimous Supreme Court decision vote occurred in 1971, the same year Totenberg and Ginsburg first connected.

True friendship is built on showing up for the hard times, supporting each other through life's blows, and celebrating blessings. Friendship involves small, consistent gestures rather than grand ones:

• Open an actual door
• Make a phone call to hear someone's voice
• Write a paper note
• Set a table
• Be there for a friend

2. Making Friends and a Few Enemies

Challenging institutional inequality requires deliberate personal presentation and courageous investigative reporting.

Style and Professionalism

Professional women in the early decades were expected to blend in with male peers. Ruth Bader Ginsburg initially kept her hair pulled back in a scrunchie to avoid unwanted attention. Later she cultivated an iconic, theatrical style with mandarin silk jackets, flowing designer pants, and large accessories.

When Ginsburg gave a speech for the Tenth Circuit, she wore a textured black and white feather-patterned jacket until it wore out. For her Supreme Court confirmation hearings, her husband Marty bought her four or five jewel-colored suits at Saks Jandel.

Systemic sexual harassment and discrimination were routinely tolerated in academia and journalism during the early 1970s. You had to navigate overt physical advances without formal reporting mechanisms or legal protections. Nina Totenberg faced repeated propositioning from her married boss at The National Observer. After rejecting his advances and making a deadline-driven error by lifting uncredited quotes, she was forced to resign.

The Supreme Court

For decades, the United States Supreme Court operated as an exempt entity outside federal civil rights and employment laws. In a 1974 New Times article titled "The Supreme Court: The Last Plantation," Totenberg detailed appalling employment practices where Black personnel faced arbitrary firings and low wages.

Messenger Cyril Mitchell worked sixty to seventy hours a week for Justice William O. Douglas and was fired after refusing to serve at a private party in Douglas's home. Another messenger, Philip Brooks, ran out of money while driving Justice Stanley Reed to Kentucky because his paycheck was delayed. When Brooks returned to Washington, he was demoted.

Justice Lewis F. Powell, Jr. supported abortion rights in cases like Roe v. Wade because of a formative tragedy early in his legal career. His young Black messenger called him in tears after his partner bled to death from a botched back-alley abortion.

Powell drove to a house in the Black part of town in Richmond, found his dead messenger's partner, and persuaded the local district attorney not to prosecute the young man. This incident convinced Powell that such personal choices were not the business of the government.

When Totenberg joined NPR in 1975, she found a small organization operating on a shoestring budget alongside other women like Linda Wertheimer and Cokie Roberts. Male colleagues at NPR dismissively dubbed the corner where Totenberg, Wertheimer, and Roberts gathered "the fallopian jungle" due to their close professional and personal alliance.

President Jimmy Carter fundamentally transformed the demographics of the federal judiciary by making a concerted effort to appoint women and people of color. When Carter took office, only eight out of five hundred federal judges were women, while women made up 8.1 percent of the legal profession in 1980. Through executive orders and special recruitment efforts, his administration appointed forty women and fifty-seven men of color to federal judgeships.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg was appointed to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit in June 1980 after her nomination was advanced with bipartisan lobbying help and Senate action.

3. Friends in Need

Caregiving during catastrophic health crises requires structured boundaries, professional medical intervention, and a loyal network of peers.

Personal Crises and Resilience

Facing sudden and catastrophic health crises requires immense personal grit and resilience, though physical vulnerability often leaves people emotionally overwhelmed once the danger passes. In June 1976, Nina Totenberg experienced a sudden black curtain over half of her dominant eye and was rushed into surgery for a detached retina, requiring weeks of strict bed rest and dark-room recovery.

Early catastrophic illness in marriage places an immediate, profound caregiving burden that shapes the entire trajectory of a relationship. Marty Ginsburg survived severe testicular cancer early in law school, and years later, a surprise pregnancy occurred because they wrongly assumed the heavy radiation had rendered him infertile. Ruth Ginsburg lived on two hours of sleep per night while caring for Marty and studying.

The Art of Caregiving

Intense full-time caregiving risks destroying the caregiver's identity and health, making structured boundaries and a return to normal work essential. Floyd Totenberg suffered a massive subdural hematoma after slipping on ice during a severe DC winter, leading to multiple brain surgeries and months of hospitalization. Ruth Ginsburg gave blunt advice on how to survive this prolonged trauma.

You can protect your well-being with specific rules during a family crisis:

• Limit hospital visits to roughly one hour per day
• Make your presence known to the patient for proper care
• Return to work to maintain personal identity and economic stability

A deeply loyal network of female friends acts as a vital lifeline, providing practical logistical support, emotional rescue, and shared moments of levity during prolonged personal trauma. Cokie Roberts and other close companions monitored hospital care and managed logistics while you faced these trials.

4. Friends and Confidences

Investigative reporting on high-stakes scandals demands rigorous corroboration, source protection, and peer support.

Journalism and Investigation

You investigate rumors by tracking down committee members, verifying facts, securing sworn affidavits, and confirming accounts through corroborating witnesses before broadcasting your report.

Anita Hill was interviewed by the FBI in Oklahoma on September 23, 1991, and named Yale Law School friend Susan Hoerchner as a corroborating witness who had been told about the harassment contemporaneously. NPR aired your report on Weekend Edition Sunday on October 6, 1991, leading up to the Senate Judiciary Committee vote scheduled for September 27, 1991. Rumors about sexual harassment allegations began on July 1, 1991, and Clarence Thomas was confirmed to the Supreme Court on October 15, 1991, by a 52-48 final Senate vote margin.

Political scandals can unearth widespread societal issues, transforming individual private grievances into massive public movements known as The Year of the Woman following the November 1992 election cycle.

A flight attendant on a Caribbean-bound flight grabbed your hand and profusely thanked you for bringing attention to sexual harassment and starting a public discussion.

Freedom of the Press

Journalists defending confidential sources against congressional leak investigations rely on public opinion, legal counsel, and absolute refusal to disclose names.

Following the report, the Senate passed a resolution to investigate the leak on October 24, 1991, by an 86-12 vote, naming special counsel Peter Fleming on December 6, 1991, with 120 days allotted to complete the investigation. You retained First Amendment lawyer Floyd Abrams and appeared for your interview in the Hart Senate Office Building on February 24, 1992, facing potential contempt of Congress charges.

When subpoenaed by special counsel Peter Fleming in the Hart Senate Office Building, you stated to each question that you respectfully declined to answer to protect your confidential sources.

Strong professional friendships and peer solidarity provide vital emotional and tactical defense when facing public attacks and professional controversies. When Sam Donaldson wanted to do a 20/20 segment on you, Cokie Roberts advised against a solo piece that would be too contentious, leading instead to a joint segment featuring female journalists.

You can protect your well-being with specific rules during public media interviews:

• Smile through media interviews because audiences remember the composure rather than the aggressive questions

Professionals can maintain deep personal civility and respect while holding fundamentally opposing viewpoints and ideological convictions. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Justice Clarence Thomas maintained a respectful, collaborative working relationship on the Supreme Court for over 25 years despite frequent ideological disagreements. Mitch McConnell voted to confirm Ruth Bader Ginsburg to the Supreme Court on August 3, 1993, but later refused a request for her body to lie in state in the Capitol Rotunda in September 2020. After Justice Ginsburg's death, Justice Clarence Thomas penned a remembrance praising her intellectual rigor, commitment to civility, and ability to foster a respectful working environment.

Long-term personal and professional resilience requires deliberately ignoring unkind or thoughtless remarks from critics and opponents. Ruth Bader Ginsburg frequently applied the practice of being a little deaf to unkind words from colleagues and critics to maintain her focus and productivity, writing a short note in 2018 to a Columbia University master's student advising her to stay strong.

You can navigate career challenges using specific personal philosophies:

• Stay strong and be resilient in your career
• Choose to be a little deaf when unkind or thoughtless words are spoken

5. Supreme Friends

Historic judicial appointments transform institutional dynamics and establish crucial mutual support systems for minority professionals.

Supreme Court Nomination

Ruth Bader Ginsburg was not initially considered a top contender for the Supreme Court due to her age and past critiques of Roe v. Wade. Marty Ginsburg built a support binder and rallied congressional and donor backing while male political figures dropped out. Ginsburg impressed President Bill Clinton during a ninety-minute meeting, leading to her surprise nomination.

When White House Counsel Bernie Nussbaum called Ginsburg on a Saturday while she was in Vermont for a wedding, she worried about wearing traveling clothes. Nussbaum assured her the president was coming off the golf course. She arrived in clean clothes to find Clinton wearing his Sunday best after church, and they bonded immediately.

Court Dynamics

As the lone female justice for twelve years, Sandra Day O'Connor exercised extreme caution. When Ginsburg joined, they formed a strong alliance across ideological lines, universally voting together in gender discrimination cases. Their presence changed the dynamics of the Court, ensuring that smart women's contributions were no longer ignored or repeated by male colleagues moments later.

When Ginsburg joined the Court, the robing room featured a bathroom labeled "men" which forced O'Connor to walk back to her chambers. A women's bathroom equal in size was immediately rushed into construction.

6. Friends in Joy

Cross-ideological alliances, personal romances later in life, and shared culinary traditions sustain spirits during difficult times.

You can maintain deep personal bonds across opposite political divides through mutual respect and shared dedication to craft. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Justice Antonin Scalia formed a close bond originating from their mutual love of legal work, sharp intellects, opera, and family. Scalia frequently critiqued Ginsburg's grammar and provided early drafts of his stinging dissents to challenge her, which she noted improved the strength of her majority opinions.

Scalia famously visited Ginsburg's chambers on a Friday afternoon to give her a preview of his dissent in the Virginia Military Institute case, which she said ruined her weekend but ultimately made her opinion much stronger.

Public personas of fierce ideological warriors often mask a tender and deeply emotional core in private life. While Justice Scalia could be a sharp-tongued and sometimes aggressive debater on the bench, privately he was an extrovert with a tender soul who showed deep vulnerability during times of personal tragedy.

When Scalia's 42-year-old son-in-law died suddenly, Nina Totenberg and her husband attended the viewing, where Scalia rested his head on Totenberg's shoulder and wept, stating he had lost a son.

Professional and Personal Friendships

Cross-ideological alliances based on a shared defense of institutional rights can bridge political divides and forge lasting personal bonds. After being frozen out by the Justice Department, the author sought help from Ted Olson, head of the Office of Legal Counsel. Olson was outraged by the press blockade and successfully persuaded Attorney General William French Smith to restore the author's access, initiating a lifelong friendship.

Ted Olson took the author's complaint about the DOJ press freeze directly to Attorney General William French Smith, ending the deep freeze and restoring her normal access.

Personal Life and Marriage

Professionally accomplished widows and widowers can rediscover youthful romance and companionship later in life through unexpected reconnections. Following the death of her first husband Floyd in 1998, the author unexpectedly reconnected with Dr. David Reines at her father's violin recital. Their relationship deepened, leading to marriage in their fifties in 1999 when she was 54.

David Reines sent the author a comforting note quoting Mary Elizabeth Frye's poem after meeting at her father's violin recital in Boston, eventually leading to a romance that culminated in a proposal via a customized fortune cookie.

Distinguished public figures often invest deeply in personal rituals for loved ones, balancing immense workloads with profound acts of friendship. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg maintained a strong passion for performing wedding ceremonies for friends, law clerks, and associates. She meticulously scripted every word of the author's wedding ceremony, treating it with the detailed structure of an opera blocking, even while quietly managing severe health complications from her colon cancer treatments in 1999.

Justice Ginsburg officiated the wedding of Nina Totenberg and David Reines under a golden silk chuppah with 140 guests, executing a meticulously written script while concealing a recent hospital visit for a bowel blockage.

After COVID-19 struck, the author and her husband David kept Ruth's spirits up by hosting small dinners, reserving Saturdays specifically for her.

David prepared bouillabaisse, a light French fish stew adapted from Julia Child's recipe, which was Ruth's favorite meal during their Saturday suppers.

7. Farewell to My Friend

Maintaining dignity, intellectual rigor, and shared culinary traditions helps weather the final chapters of life and loss.

During the 2020 pandemic lockdowns, Nina Totenberg's home became Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg's primary refuge outside her apartment for weekly Saturday dinners. David Totenberg cooked specialized meals, most notably her favorite classic bouillabaisse following Julia Child's French cookbook recipe. Ruth regularly attended with family members, including her granddaughter Clara and occasionally her calm poodle mix, Wallace, who was humorously noted as having no rights under the Fourteenth Amendment.

Epilogue

Even amid extreme physical decline and the isolation of the pandemic, Ruth Bader Ginsburg maintained strict personal discipline, elegant presentation, and her demanding judicial workload. On August 30, 2020, despite being hospitalized at Johns Hopkins just days prior for an intestinal problem, she insisted on being discharged to officiate an outdoor wedding for her doctor's son in her judicial robe.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg passed away on September 18, 2020, as the sun set marking the beginning of Rosh Hashanah, drawing massive public mourning and unprecedented state honors. She received rare historic honors, lying in repose at the Supreme Court and lying in state in Statuary Hall at the U.S. Capitol, followed by burial at Arlington National Cemetery beside Marty. Her personal trainer, Bryant Johnson, dropped to the floor inside the Capitol to honor her with a final set of push-ups.

• 33 men had preceded her in lying in state at the U.S. Capitol.
• 159 law clerks worked for her over her four-decade career.

The composition and operational ethos of the Supreme Court shifted dramatically following Ruth Bader Ginsburg's death and the subsequent conservative supermajority. The 6 to 3 conservative majority led to the dismantling of precedent seen in rulings like the 2022 Dobbs abortion decision, contrasting sharply with Ruth's pragmatic approach to building consensus. Justice Clarence Thomas revealed in a public appearance that he now trusts no one, illustrating the deep institutional tensions in the Marble Palace.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg's gravesite at Arlington National Cemetery became an active pilgrimage site where visitors leave personal tokens, reflecting her enduring global impact. When Nina Totenberg and her husband David returned for the unveiling of Ruth's headstone right before Rosh Hashanah in 2021, they witnessed these continuous physical tokens of remembrance.

10 Key Ideas

1. Forming a support network of friends helps you navigate systemic professional barriers and personal hardships.
2. Challenging institutional inequality requires deliberate personal presentation and courageous investigative reporting.
3. Caregiving during catastrophic health crises requires structured boundaries, professional medical intervention, and a loyal network of peers.
4. Investigative reporting on high-stakes scandals demands rigorous corroboration, source protection, and peer support.
5. Journalists defending confidential sources against congressional leak investigations rely on public opinion, legal counsel, and absolute refusal to disclose names.
6. Historic judicial appointments transform institutional dynamics and establish crucial mutual support systems for minority professionals.
7. Cross-ideological alliances, personal romances later in life, and shared culinary traditions sustain spirits during difficult times.
8. Distinguished public figures often invest deeply in personal rituals for loved ones, balancing immense workloads with profound acts of friendship.
9. Maintaining dignity, intellectual rigor, and shared culinary traditions helps weather the final chapters of life and loss.
10. The composition and operational ethos of the Supreme Court shifted dramatically following Ruth Bader Ginsburg's death and the subsequent conservative supermajority.