Book summary “Choosing a Jewish life”: summary

Introduction

You may feel a quiet pull toward Judaism yet wonder if you belong in a tradition you were not born into. Historically, Judaism viewed religious seekers with suspicion, but today conversion is an accepted and celebrated part of communal life. You face a vast landscape of laws, customs, and community structures that can feel overwhelming when you decide to take this step.

Anita Diamant offers a clear roadmap for your journey in Choosing a Jewish Life. The book explains how to navigate family reactions, find the right rabbi, complete required studies, and undergo the transformative rituals of conversion. You will learn how to integrate into a synagogue and build a meaningful Jewish home.

What should you expect when you talk to a rabbi for the first time? How do you share your decision with non-Jewish relatives? What happens during the ritual bath and the rabbinic court appearance?

1. Honoring the Convert

For nearly two thousand years, the Jewish world treated religious seekers with polite suspicion due to external dangers, but conversion is now a normative and celebrated part of Jewish life.

Ever since the first Roman edicts limiting conversion around 200 C.E., converts were viewed with curiosity and fear. Rabbis insisted on respect for the sincere stranger, but physical threats such as execution for apostasy created a closed community that enforced circumspection and secrecy. Traditional rabbinic sources explicitly outlawed reminding converts of their non-Jewish past to protect them from hateful behavior. Reminding a proselyte of their past was deemed worse than business dishonesty and comparable to idol worship.

The historical gulf between Jews and non-Jews in the Diaspora has nearly vanished, changing the context for converts. Except for some Orthodox enclaves, Jews and non-Jews now live in the same neighborhoods, work together, share schools, and hold similar core values, making Jewish pluralism a source of strength rather than a threat. Conversion is a normative part of Jewish life today, occurring more frequently than at any time since the beginning of the Common Era. Four thousand new Jews enter annually. Jews-by-choice are embedded in the mosaic of American Jewish life as members, leaders, and parents. While some congregations still treat conversion with muted welcome, others publicly celebrate new Jews through temple bulletins, bimah announcements, and aliyot.

Rabbi Mark Dov Shapiro honors the converts of his congregation on Rosh Hashanah morning during the reading of the Akeda. He calls upon a Jew-by-choice for the first aliyah during Rosh Hashanah morning when reading the Akeda, connecting them to Abraham who brought others under the wings of Shechinah.

The voluntary embrace of Judaism by converts serves as a powerful antidote to born-Jewish ambivalence and historical psychological scars. When born-Jews witness thoughtful individuals choosing Judaism, it challenges passive ethnic identity and addresses deep-seated community hesitations humorously captured by Groucho Marx's wisecrack about not wanting to belong to a club that would accept them. Embracing and honoring converts are active mitzvot that require individual and communal action. The mitzvot of hachnasat ha-ger and kavod ha-ger enjoin communities to move past gossipy whispers or polite ignorance into active celebration, education, and support.

You can engage with these community requirements through specific practices:

• Create mentoring programs and support groups for recent converts.
• Foster sensitivity to community diversity to stop remarks about who looks Jewish.
• Improve training for rabbis, cantors, and educators around conversion issues.
• Make conversion rituals memorable and beautiful.
• Teach the history of conversion.
• Provide better adult education opportunities for all Jews.

Different Jewish religious movements offer distinct pathways, courses, and organizational structures for prospective converts. The Conservative movement relies on regional rabbis and the Rabbinical Assembly, the Reconstructionist movement offers a thirty-week introductory course named Jewish, Alive, and American, and the Reform movement runs a comprehensive national Outreach program through the UAHC.

2. Family Matters

Family ties run deep and complex. Parents often perceive conversion as a personal rejection or a source of fear for your spiritual future.

Announcing a conversion to parents and extended family requires careful planning, patience, and sensitivity to complex emotional reactions and historical roots.

Ninety percent of all converts to Judaism have a Jewish partner. Falling in love with a Jew serves as a frequent gateway to discovering Judaism. Traditional figures note that human love cannot be easily blocked and that intermarried partners belong under the wings of God's presence.

You can manage announcements to your family of origin through specific steps:

• Give your family time to grow accustomed to the idea instead of presenting them with a fait accompli.
• Let your family in on your decision-making process by sharing what you are learning and celebrating.
• Communicate via a long, thoughtful letter if geographical distance prevents an in-person talk.
• Conduct the conversation in a private and neutral setting rather than at a family celebration or holiday party.
• Have the conversation without your Jewish partner in the room so they are not put in the middle.

Extended family members may use offensive ethnic terms or harbor stereotypes due to outdated views. You must address inappropriate remarks directly.

• Gently but emphatically confront bigotry and inappropriate remarks whenever they arise in the family.
• Ask extended family questions about family names, European towns, and historical memories to knit the family together.
• Seek out support from rabbis, spouses, teachers, classmates, and fellow converts.

Some individuals discover hidden roots in their family tree. Descendants of conversas practiced Judaism in secret during the Spanish and Portuguese Inquisitions. Jewish mysticism explains this phenomenon through the legend of the gilgul, which describes a separated Jewish soul finding its way back home.

• Engage in genealogical research to explore Jewish roots and branches in the family tree.

Children of converts need reassurance that conversion does not affect love. Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel emphasizes that parents must live a life worthy of reverence so that children can genuinely embrace a Jewish life.

• Put aside your own wishes and listen without comment to what your son or daughter has to say about formal conversion.
• Discuss the matter with your rabbi and consult local family and children's services agencies for support.

3. Study and the Covenant of Circumcision

Becoming a Jew requires dedicated study with a rabbi, participation in introductory classes, choosing a Hebrew name, and performing the physical covenant of circumcision or its ritual reenactment.

Becoming a Jew requires the participation of a rabbi because the word means teacher and conversion is fundamentally a matter of study. While life-cycle events like weddings or funerals can be halachically valid without a rabbi, conversion requires a bet din and a sponsoring rabbi. This relationship goes beyond an academic exchange into personal mentorship, though learners are encouraged to have multiple teachers due to Judaism's pluralistic nature. A Hasidic story tells of a disciple who went to learn how a great rabbi ties his shoelaces.

Prospective converts without existing synagogue connections can find a rabbi through referrals, campus organizations, or denominational outreach offices. Word-of-mouth is the primary starting point. Non-Orthodox movements maintain specific organizational networks such as the Union of American Hebrew Congregations for Reform, the United Synagogue for Conservative Judaism, and the Jewish Reconstructionist Federation.

• Ask affiliated Jews if they like their rabbi and request an appointment.
• Contact campus Hillel if associated with a university.
• Call denominational outreach offices for local rabbi lists.
• Attend a synagogue service and approach the rabbi at the social hour following the service.
• Follow up with a phone call mentioning recent attendance at services.

Jewish study is considered an essential and ultimate mitzvah because it serves as the foundation for a life of active engagement and good deeds. Torah study is characterized by the interactive process of midrash and dialectical debate rather than memorizing a fixed catechism. Solitary study is explicitly discouraged in favor of group discussion and constant questioning.

Introductory conversion classes provide a standardized overview of Jewish civilization alongside small group discussions facilitated by social workers. Courses typically run from six to eight months and cover holidays, life cycle events, history, anti-Semitism, the Holocaust, Israel, theology, and covenant. They offer a community of peers and expose students to multiple rabbinic teaching styles.

• Observe one full Shabbat without performing work or shopping.
• Keep kosher for a month by avoiding shellfish, pork, and mixing meat and milk.
• Host a holiday celebration like a Passover seder.
• Visit local Jewish institutions such as community centers and bookstores.
• Tour Jewish historic sites during travels.

Converts select an additional Hebrew name to mark their spiritual transformation and integrate into the Jewish people. Hebrew names can be derived from biblical figures, personal characteristics, family members, or direct translations of given names. Traditionally, converts are identified as the children of Abraham and Sarah, though some contemporary converts choose alternative ancestral names. The Hebrew Bible contains twenty-eight hundred personal names, but less than 5 percent of biblical names are in current use. Convert Brad chose Ben-ami meaning son of my people, while another selected Nivchara for choice alongside Ruth.

Circumcision serves as a physical sign of the covenant, and already circumcised male converts undergo a ritual reenactment to draw a drop of blood.

While Orthodox and Conservative requirements mandate circumcision or its ritual reenactment, liberal movements vary in enforcement. Hatafat dam brit involves pricking the skin near the original circumcision site to collect a drop of blood before a bet din. Traditional birth circumcision occurs on eight-day-old infants, while an adult surgical circumcision has a duration of thirty minutes.

• Apply an alcohol swab to the corona surrounding the glans.
• Prick the skin using a sterile lancet or hypodermic needle.
• Collect the blood on a gauze pad to show three witnesses.
• Recite the blessing over wine and the shehehiyanu following the ritual.

4. The Bet Din and Mikvah Immersion

Finalizing a conversion involves evaluation by a rabbinic court known as a bet din and ritual immersion in natural living waters of a mikvah.

A bet din is a religious tribunal of three individuals convened by a rabbi to evaluate the sincerity and readiness of a conversion candidate. Judaism is a communal system, meaning validation by other Jews is required. The bet din represents the community, ensures you are acting of free will, and checks for basic vocabulary, understanding of Jewish life, and emotional readiness without using a standardized written test. Typically, 3 members comprise the bet din, usually ordained rabbis.

You can prepare for this proceeding with practical steps:

• Bring a spouse, partner, or mentor to lower anxiety during the proceeding.
• Answer subjective and open-ended questions about your life, home, and motivations.
• Read and sign a statement of commitment or respond to vow-like questions.

The bet din issues a formal certificate of conversion signed by its members to officially record that requirements were met. The certificate includes your chosen Hebrew name. While most rabbis use standard movement certificates, some create custom ones, following the principle of hiddur mitzvah for religious documents. Reform rabbis send a copy of the conversion certificate to the American Jewish Archives at Hebrew Union College in Cincinnati, Ohio, located at 3101 Clifton Avenue, Cincinnati, OH 45220. You can also call 1-888-489-8242, the toll-free number for UAHC Press, to order calligraphed conversion documents.

Ritual immersion in a mikvah is a physical and spiritual requirement for conversion that marks the transition into the Jewish people. The mikvah pool utilizes natural living water linked symbolically to the waters of Eden. Total physical immersion is required so that water contacts every pore of the body, symbolizing a spiritual leap and personal experience of Sinai. One of the oldest discovered mikva'ot at Masada in Israel is 20 centuries old, and the minimum water volume required for a mikvah is 24 cubic feet, equal to about two hundred gallons.

You must follow specific preparations before entering the water:

• Perform a thorough cleansing using a tub, shower, sink, and towels provided at the facility.
• Remove nail polish, dental appliances, contact lenses, jewelry, bandages, and anything else that prevents water contact.
• Submerge fully into the water three times in a loose, semi-squatting or fetal position.
• Recite the immersion blessing after the first dip and the shehehiyanu blessing after the final dip.

Immersing in natural, nonstagnant bodies of water is an acceptable and kosher alternative to indoor community mikva'ot. Using an outdoor setting like a pond, lake, river, or ocean avoids the bureaucratic or perfunctory atmosphere of standard community facilities, though it presents logistical challenges regarding weather, modesty, and convening a bet din. One female convert used a small, flat-bottomed boat in the middle of a pond, disrobed under a towel, slipped into the water, and shouted the blessings to rabbis standing on the shore.

Public and private conversion ceremonies provide communal support and allow family and congregation participation in the lifecycle event. While not legally required by Jewish law like mikvah and milah, conversion ceremonies incorporate the holding of the Torah scroll and reciting the Shema on the bimah, symbolizing your personal acceptance of the covenant at Sinai. Mark and his fiancée Marilyn invited forty friends and relatives to a synagogue Saturday evening where Mark was draped in a tallit and held the Torah while answering commitment questions.

You can shape this public ritual according to local traditions:

• Ask your rabbi about the local customs and design a ceremony that fits your preferences.
• Hold the Torah scroll in front of the community and recite the Shema.
• Read a personal statement detailing your journey to Judaism.

During David's kabbalat ger service, participants noted that Jews have observed Shabbat for 120 generations.

5. Celebration, Tzedakah, and Identity

Conversion is completed through children's conversion guidelines, celebratory simchas, gifts, the foundational obligation of tzedakah, aesthetic mitzvot, and the gradual integration of a new Jewish identity.

Converting children involves parental commitment, but all Jewish children ultimately make their own adult choices. Because children cannot choose to convert, parents make an implicit promise to act as Jewish role models and provide education. While non-Orthodox movements accept various paths, traditional halachah requires mikvah immersion, brit milah, or hatafat dam brit for boys, and witnessing by a bet din. Adopted children have the right to renounce their Jewishness at the age of religious adulthood, which is thirteen for boys and twelve for girls.

An adoptive mother of two sons shared that although letting them choose later seemed easier, she went ahead with circumcision to treat them truly as her own sons.

You can guide a child's entry into the covenant using concrete steps:

• Ensure parents agree on every aspect of the conversion decision and consult ex-spouses or inform grandparents if applicable.
• Consult the rabbi and seek advice from experienced adoptive parents or local Jewish family agencies.
• Perform brit milah at the earliest possible date for infants to avoid physical and emotional difficulties.
• Use the blow-and-duck trick in the mikvah by blowing directly into the child's face so they reflexively close their eyes and hold their breath.
• Rehearse the mikvah experience in the bathtub or swimming pool by practicing making bubbles.

Conversion to Judaism deserves its own distinct celebration, allowing the new Jew to be honored individually. Because conversion was historically rare and private, formal custom and Jewish law have few set rules for celebrations, giving you the freedom to design a simcha. Traditional Jewish maxim advises not to mix rejoicing with other lifecycle events, meaning conversion parties should ideally be held close to the mikvah date.

You can mark this simcha with community involvement:

• Go out for lunch or dinner with loved ones and friends after the mikvah ceremony.
• Plan a special luncheon or dinner at home on the Shabbat following conversion.
• Host an oneg Shabbat or sponsor the Shabbat morning kiddush to let the simcha flow from the sanctuary into the social hall.
• Get a guest book for friends to record thoughts and wishes.
• Ask guests to bring a favorite Jewish recipe to create a personalized cookbook.
• Play klezmer music and lift the new Jew on a chair during the party.
• Donate three percent of the cost of the meal to Mazon: A Jewish Response to Hunger or another charity.

Gift-giving is a natural part of conversion celebrations, offering an opportunity to build a Jewish home library and acquire ritual items. Friends and family naturally wish to bring presents to celebrate a conversion, functioning similarly to a traditional Jewish shower. These gifts help you establish a foundation of books, music, and ritual objects that often become cherished family heirlooms.

You can build your collection through specific items:

• Register at a Jewish bookstore for books such as the Tanach, novels, or cookbooks.
• Give subscriptions to Jewish newspapers, magazines, or Hebrew language learning toys.
• Present ritual items such as a tallit, kiddush cup, Shabbat candlesticks, challah cover, seder plate, tzedakah box, mezuzot, shofar, tefillin, kippot, or religious jewelry.
• Offer alternative gifts like Jewish art, tickets to a Jewish play, paid attendance at a Jewish retreat, a year's supply of bagels, a kosher butcher gift certificate, synagogue membership, or a trip to Israel.

Tzedakah is a foundational legal obligation and spiritual joy rooted in the Hebrew word for justice.

Unlike Western charity derived from caritas, tzedakah comes from tzedek, making giving an act of holy obligation, honor, and human dignity. Historically, converts were required to bring a Temple sacrifice. Following the destruction of the Temple in 70 C.E., this was replaced by giving tangible support to the community.

You can fulfill this obligation through practical methods:

• Contribute three percent of the cost of life-cycle celebrations to Mazon: A Jewish Response to Hunger.
• Support local, national, or international Jewish organizations, synagogue library funds, or a rabbi's discretionary fund.
• Ask guests at a conversion party to make donations to a charity instead of buying gifts.
• Have a tree planted in Israel through the Jewish National Fund.
• Make financial contributions in multiples of 18, representing chai, which means life.

The rabbinic principle of hiddur mitzvah dictates that physical objects used for commandments should be made as beautiful as possible. While a basic item might fulfill a legal requirement, utilizing beautiful physical objects, thoughtful music, and expressive words sanctifies the conversion process.

You can elevate the aesthetic experience with specific choices:

• Use a handsome goblet for kiddush instead of a paper cup.
• Decorate conversion ceremonies and simchas with flowers, later donating them to a hospital or nursing home.
• Bring large, fluffy white or rainbow-colored bath sheets to wrap the new Jew stepping out of the mikvah.
• Use a specialized kiddush cup during hatafat dam brit.
• Light candles during conversion ceremonies to symbolize a new soul added to the family of Israel, utilizing braided havdalah candles if applicable.
• Incorporate traditional songs like Siman tov u’mazel tov, shehehiyanu settings, or specific cantorial solos and congregational melodies.

A Jew-by-choice has full status under the huppah, and weddings often take place close to the time of conversion. There are no liturgical distinctions between weddings involving born-Jews and those involving Jews-by-choice. Couples can personalize their ceremonies and ketubot to reflect blended heritages, and non-Jewish parents can participate by walking the couple down the aisle. About one-third of non-Jewish spouses in interfaith marriages eventually choose to become Jewish.

You can customize weddings to honor dual backgrounds:

• Customize wedding elements, such as wearing cultural attire like saris or embroidering huppot with personal symbols.
• Inform guests about Jewish wedding symbols using informational booklets distributed after the ceremony.
• Incorporate ethnic culinary traditions into the s’eudat mitzvah while adhering to kashrut.
• Commission or create a custom ketubah reflecting both partners' backgrounds.
• Reaffirm marriage vows in an intimate ceremony before the Torah, in a rabbi's office, or at home following a spouse's conversion.

Becoming a Jew is a gradual transition akin to immigrating to a new land, requiring time to establish rootedness and integrate dual heritages. Converts often experience vulnerability and hyperawareness, feeling like newborns or first-generation immigrants. Integrating past ethnic heritage with Jewish observance enriches the community, though you must navigate cultural differences and occasional prejudice.

Lena Romanoff shared a story in her book about being berated by a Jewish acquaintance for carrying a non-Jewish neighbor's pork roast in her shopping cart.

You can ease the transition into a new identity with gentle steps:

• Let go of impossible expectations by viewing yourself as a newly naturalized citizen or transplanted flower adapting over time.
• Study the history and traditions of the Jewish community in your country of national origin to knit dual identities together.
• Weave crafts, colors, and flavors of native traditions into holiday and life-cycle observances, such as using African fruits for Tu B'shvat or Scandinavian decorations in a sukkah.
• Talk to your rabbi, Jewish friends, and temple members if you encounter prejudice or cultural friction.

6. Living a Jewish Life

The ongoing journey of a Jew-by-choice centers on performing mitzvot, engaging in Torah study and midrash, joining a synagogue community, and navigating the first year of observance.

Judaism places a primary emphasis on righteous behavior and actionable deeds rather than abstract matters of faith. While traditional law outlines 613 mitzvot found in the Torah, liberal Jews approach them through personal reflection, experimentation, and choice. You can gradually incorporate hiddur mitzvah, or the beautification of a commandment, into daily life.

You can begin observing Shabbat with concrete actions:

• Begin observing Shabbat by lighting candles on Friday night.
• Avoid running errands on Saturday morning.
• Make dedicated time for loved ones on Saturday afternoon.

Torah study and the interpretive process of midrash allow readers to actively engage with ancient scripture using imagination, reason, and personal history. Midrash is the traditional method of searching the sacred text, operating on the assumption that the message is hidden and requires exploration. It encourages questioning, debate, and interjecting contemporary dilemmas into biblical narratives to make the text personally meaningful.

Rabbinical literature and midrash fill in missing dialogue and human motivations in the biblical story of Cain and Abel by imagining what was said in the field before the tragedy.

Jewish life cannot be practiced in isolation, and joining a synagogue is essential for education, communal support, and spiritual growth. A synagogue functions simultaneously as a beit k'nesset as a house of assembly, a beit midrash as a house of study, and a beit tefilah as a house of prayer. Congregations offer structured environments for public worship and adult education. Havurot groups and Keruv initiatives help integrate new members. A minyan quorum of 10 adults is required for public prayer.

You can find the right home by exploring local institutions:

• Shop for a congregation by attending services.
• Read membership literature and talk to members.
• Set up a meeting with the rabbi.

The first year following a formal conversion acts as a transitional liminal period filled with distinct milestones, emotional adjustments, and holiday challenges.

Just like a traditional wedding year, a new Jew goes through a full cycle of seasons and holidays that bring unexpected stress, family questions, and decisions regarding holidays like Christmas. It can take 12 months or substantially more before feeling fully comfortable calling oneself a Jew. Utilizing mentors, support groups, and journaling helps navigate this period.

Jews-by-choice who are open about their conversion enrich the community, challenge traditional paradigms, and introduce new obligations of hospitality. When converts share their journeys, they demonstrate that Judaism is sustained by personal choice and commitment rather than ethnicity. Their presence introduces the new communal obligations of hachnasat ha-ger and kavod ha-ger to show hospitality and respect to converts.

10 Key Ideas

1. Historically viewed with polite suspicion due to external dangers, conversion is now a normative and celebrated part of Jewish life.
2. Announcing a conversion to parents and extended family requires careful planning, patience, and sensitivity to complex emotional reactions and historical roots.
3. Becoming a Jew requires dedicated study with a rabbi, participation in introductory classes, choosing a Hebrew name, and performing the physical covenant of circumcision or its ritual reenactment.
4. Circumcision serves as a physical sign of the covenant, and already circumcised male converts undergo a ritual reenactment to draw a drop of blood.
5. Finalizing a conversion involves evaluation by a rabbinic court known as a bet din and ritual immersion in natural living waters of a mikvah.
6. Conversion is completed through children's conversion guidelines, celebratory simchas, gifts, the foundational obligation of tzedakah, aesthetic mitzvot, and the gradual integration of a new Jewish identity.
7. Tzedakah is a foundational legal obligation and spiritual joy rooted in the Hebrew word for justice.
8. The ongoing journey of a Jew-by-choice centers on performing mitzvot, engaging in Torah study and midrash, joining a synagogue community, and navigating the first year of observance.
9. The first year following a formal conversion acts as a transitional liminal period filled with distinct milestones, emotional adjustments, and holiday challenges.
10. Jews-by-choice who are open about their conversion enrich the community, challenge traditional paradigms, and introduce new obligations of hospitality.