«Зритель. Том 1»

If we are rightly inform'd, the Rules that are observed by this new Society are wonderfully contriv'd for the Advancement of Cuckoldom. The Women either come by themselves, or are introduced by Friends, who are obliged to quit them upon their first Entrance, to the Conversation of any Body that addresses himself to them. There are several Rooms where the Parties may retire, and, if they please, show their Faces by Consent. Whispers, Squeezes, Nods, and Embraces, are the innocent Freedoms of the Place. In short, the whole Design of this libidinous Assembly seems to terminate in Assignations and Intrigues; and I hope you will take effectual Methods, by your publick Advice and Admonitions, to prevent such a promiscuous Multitude of both Sexes from meeting together in so clandestine a Manner.'

I am,

Your humble Servant,

And Fellow Labourer,

T. B.

Middle Temple, 1710-11.

Sir,

When a Man has been guilty of any Vice or Folly, I think the best Attonement he can make for it is to warn others not to fall into the like. In order to this I must acquaint you, that some Time in February last I went to the Tuesday's Masquerade. Upon my first going in I was attacked by half a Dozen female Quakers, who seemed willing to adopt me for a Brother; but, upon a nearer Examination, I found they were a Sisterhood of Coquets, disguised in that precise Habit. I was soon after taken out to dance, and, as I fancied, by a Woman of the first Quality, for she was very tall, and moved gracefully. As soon as the Minuet was over, we ogled one another through our Masques; and as I am very well read in Waller, I repeated to her the four following Verses out of his poem to Vandike.

'The heedless Lover does not know

Whose Eyes they are that wound him so;

But confounded with thy Art,

Enquires her Name that has his Heart.'

I pronounced these Words with such a languishing Air, that I had some Reason to conclude I had made a Conquest. She told me that she hoped my Face was not akin to my Tongue; and looking upon her Watch, I accidentally discovered the Figure of a Coronet on the back Part of it. I was so transported with the Thought of such an Amour, that I plied her from one Room to another with all the Gallantries I could invent; and at length brought things to so happy an Issue, that she gave me a private Meeting the next Day, without Page or Footman, Coach or Equipage. My Heart danced in Raptures; but I had not lived in this golden Dream above three Days, before I found good Reason to wish that I had continued true to my Landress. I have since heard by a very great Accident, that this fine Lady does not live far from Covent-Garden, and that I am not the first Cully whom she has passed herself upon for a Countess.

Thus, Sir, you see how I have mistaken a Cloud for a Juno; and if you can make any use of this Adventure for the Benefit of those who may possibly be as vain young Coxcombs as my self, I do most heartily give you Leave.'

I am,

Sir,

Your most humble admirer,

B. L.

I Grand Cairo 2

Footnote 1:

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Footnote 2: Spectator No. 1.

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Contents

№ 9

Saturday, March 10, 1711

Аддисон

Tigris agit rabidâ cum tigride pacem

Perpetuam, sævis inter se convenit ursis.

Juv.

Clubs

Kings Charles King

Georges George George's Before George

Street-Clubs Ormond-Street

Hum-Drum Mum

Charles the Club of Duellists

The Kit-Cat 1 Beef-Steak 2 3

Rules to be observed in the Two-penny Club, erected in this Place, for the Preservation of Friendship and good Neighbourhood.

Каждый член при первом вступлении должен внести два пенса.

Каждый член должен набивать свою трубку из собственной табакерки.

Если какой-либо член отсутствует, он должен заплатить пенни в пользу Клуба, за исключением случаев болезни или тюремного заключения.

Если какой-либо член ругается или проклинает, его сосед может пнуть его по голени.

Если какой-либо член рассказывает в Клубе неправдивые истории, он должен платить полпенни за каждую третью ложь.

Если какой-либо член несправедливо ударит другого, он должен заплатить за него его клубный взнос.

Если какой-либо член приводит свою жену в Клуб, он должен платить за все, что она пьет или курит.

Если жена какого-либо члена приходит забрать его домой из Клуба, она должна говорить с ним за дверью.

Если какой-либо член назовет другого рогоносцем, он должен быть исключен из Клуба.

Никто не должен быть принят в Клуб, если он занимается тем же ремеслом, что и любой из его членов.

Никто из членов Клуба не должен заказывать или чинить свою одежду или обувь иначе, как у собрата-члена.

Ни один нон-юрор (неприсягнувший) не может быть членом.

The Leges Convivales Ben. Johnson 4 Roman Lipsius Symposium Greek

Footnote 1: Kit-Cat Kit-Cat Club Bocaj One Night in Seven at this convenient Seat

Indulgent Bocaj did the Muses treat;

Their Drink was gen'rous Wine and Kit-Cat's Pyes their Meat.

Hence did th' Assembly's Title first arise,

And Kit-Cat Wits spring first from Kit-Cat's Pyes.

'Of old Cats and young Kits.'

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Footnote 2: Beef-Steak

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Footnote 3: October

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Footnote 4:

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Contents

№ 10

Monday, March 12, 1711

Аддисон

Non aliter quàm qui adverso vix flumine lembum

Remigiis subigit: si brachia fortè remisit,

Atque illum in præceps prono rapit alveus amni.

Virg.

London Westminster Socrates

Francis Bacon Moses's Ægyptians Spectator Muscovy Poland

Contents

№ 11

Tuesday, March 13, 1711

Стиль

Dat veniam corvis, vexat censura columbas.

Juv.

Will. Honeycomb Arietta Arietta's She Ephesian 1

Arietta

Sir, when I consider, how perfectly new all you have said on this Subject is, and that the Story you have given us is not quite two thousand Years Old, I cannot but think it a Piece of Presumption to dispute with you: But your Quotations put me in Mind of the Fable of the Lion and the Man. The Man walking with that noble Animal, showed him, in the Ostentation of Human Superiority, a Sign of a Man killing a Lion. Upon which the Lion said very justly, We Lions are none of us Painters, else we could show a hundred Men killed by Lions, for one Lion killed by a Man. You Men are Writers, and can represent us Women as Unbecoming as you please in your Works, while we are unable to return the Injury. You have twice or thrice observed in your Discourse, that Hypocrisy is the very Foundation of our Education; and that an Ability to dissemble our affections, is a professed Part of our Breeding. These, and such other Reflections, are sprinkled up and down the Writings of all Ages, by Authors, who leave behind them Memorials of their Resentment against the Scorn of particular Women, in Invectives against the whole Sex. Such a Writer, I doubt not, was the celebrated Petronius, who invented the pleasant Aggravations of the Frailty of the Ephesian Lady; but when we consider this Question between the Sexes, which has been either a Point of Dispute or Raillery ever since there were Men and Women, let us take Facts from plain People, and from such as have not either Ambition or Capacity to embellish their Narrations with any Beauties of Imagination. I was the other Day amusing myself with Ligon's Account of Barbadoes; and, in Answer to your well-wrought Tale, I will give you (as it dwells upon my Memory) out of that honest Traveller, in his fifty fifth page, the History of Inkle and Yarico2.

Mr. Thomas Inkle of London, aged twenty Years, embarked in the Downs, on the good Ship called the Achilles, bound for the West Indies, on the 16th of June 1647, in order to improve his Fortune by Trade and Merchandize. Our Adventurer was the third Son of an eminent Citizen, who had taken particular Care to instill into his Mind an early Love of Gain, by making him a perfect Master of Numbers, and consequently giving him a quick View of Loss and Advantage, and preventing the natural Impulses of his Passions, by Prepossession towards his Interests. With a Mind thus turned, young Inkle had a Person every way agreeable, a ruddy Vigour in his Countenance, Strength in his Limbs, with Ringlets of fair Hair loosely flowing on his Shoulders. It happened, in the Course of the Voyage, that the Achilles, in some Distress, put into a Creek on the Main of America, in search of Provisions. The Youth, who is the Hero of my Story, among others, went ashore on this Occasion. From their first Landing they were observed by a Party of Indians, who hid themselves in the Woods for that Purpose. The English unadvisedly marched a great distance from the Shore into the Country, and were intercepted by the Natives, who slew the greatest Number of them. Our Adventurer escaped among others, by flying into a Forest. Upon his coming into a remote and pathless Part of the Wood, he threw himself tired and breathless on a little Hillock, when an Indian Maid rushed from a Thicket behind him: After the first Surprize, they appeared mutually agreeable to each other. If the European was highly charmed with the Limbs, Features, and wild Graces of the Naked American; the American was no less taken with the Dress, Complexion, and Shape of an European, covered from Head to Foot. The Indian grew immediately enamoured of him, and consequently sollicitous for his Preservation: She therefore conveyed him to a Cave, where she gave him a Delicious Repast of Fruits, and led him to a Stream to slake his Thirst. In the midst of these good Offices, she would sometimes play with his Hair, and delight in the Opposition of its Colour to that of her Fingers: Then open his Bosome, then laugh at him for covering it. She was, it seems, a Person of Distinction, for she every day came to him in a different Dress, of the most beautiful Shells, Bugles, and Bredes. She likewise brought him a great many Spoils, which her other Lovers had presented to her; so that his Cave was richly adorned with all the spotted Skins of Beasts, and most Party-coloured Feathers of Fowls, which that World afforded. To make his Confinement more tolerable, she would carry him in the Dusk of the Evening, or by the favour of Moon-light, to unfrequented Groves, and Solitudes, and show him where to lye down in Safety, and sleep amidst the Falls of Waters, and Melody of Nightingales. Her Part was to watch and hold him in her Arms, for fear of her Country-men, and wake on Occasions to consult his Safety. In this manner did the Lovers pass away their Time, till they had learn'd a Language of their own, in which the Voyager communicated to his Mistress, how happy he should be to have her in his Country, where she should be Cloathed in such Silks as his Wastecoat was made of, and be carried in Houses drawn by Horses, without being exposed to Wind or Weather. All this he promised her the Enjoyment of, without such Fears and Alarms as they were there tormented with. In this tender Correspondence these Lovers lived for several Months, when Yarico, instructed by her Lover, discovered a Vessel on the Coast, to which she made Signals, and in the Night, with the utmost Joy and Satisfaction accompanied him to a Ships-Crew of his Country-Men, bound for Barbadoes. When a Vessel from the Main arrives in that Island, it seems the Planters come down to the Shoar, where there is an immediate Market of the Indians and other Slaves, as with us of Horses and Oxen.

To be short, Mr. Thomas Inkle, now coming into English Territories, began seriously to reflect upon his loss of Time, and to weigh with himself how many Days Interest of his Mony he had lost during his Stay with Yarico. This Thought made the Young Man very pensive, and careful what Account he should be able to give his Friends of his Voyage. Upon which Considerations, the prudent and frugal young Man sold Yarico to a Barbadian Merchant; notwithstanding that the poor Girl, to incline him to commiserate her Condition, told him that she was with Child by him: But he only made use of that Information, to rise in his Demands upon the Purchaser.

Ephesian Arietta's

Footnote 1: Satyricon Seven Wise Masters

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Footnote 2: A True and Exact History of the Island of Barbadoes. By Richard Ligon, Gent., 'This Indian dwelling near the Sea Coast, upon the Main, an English ship put in to a Bay, and sent some of her Men a shoar, to try what victuals or water they could find, for in some distress they were: But the Indians perceiving them to go up so far into the Country, as they were sure they could not make a safe retreat, intercepted them in their return, and fell upon them, chasing them into a Wood, and being dispersed there, some were taken, and some kill'd: But a young man amongst them straggling from the rest, was met by this Indian maid, who upon the first sight fell in love with him, and hid him close from her Countrymen (the Indians) in a Cave, and there fed him, till they could safely go down to the shoar, where the ship lay at anchor, expecting the return of their friends. But at last, seeing them upon the shoar, sent the long-Boat for them, took them aboard, and brought them away. But the youth, when he came ashoar in the Barbadoes, forgot the kindness of the poor maid, that had ventured her life for his safety, and sold her for a slave, who was as free born as he: And so poor Yarico for her love, lost her liberty.'

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Contents

№ 12

Wednesday, March 14, 1711

Аддисон

... Veteres avias tibi de pulmone revello.

Per.

London Daily Courant Whereas a melancholy Man left his Lodgings on Thursday last in the Afternoon, and was afterwards seen going towards Islington; If any one can give Notice of him to R. B., Fishmonger in the Strand, he shall be very well rewarded for his Pains.

Red-Sea This that they should 1

to pull the old Woman out of our Hearts Persius Motto

2 finely Hesiod 3 Nor think, though Men were none,

That Heav'n would want Spectators, God want praise:

Millions of spiritual Creatures walk the Earth

Unseen, both when we wake and when we sleep;

All these with ceaseless Praise his Works behold

Both Day and Night. How often from the Steep

Of echoing Hill or Thicket, have we heard

Celestial Voices to the midnight Air,

Sole, or responsive each to others Note,

Singing their great Creator: Oft in bands,

While they keep Watch, or nightly Rounding walk,

With heav'nly Touch of instrumental Sounds,

In full harmonick Number join'd, their Songs

Divide the Night, and lift our Thoughts to Heav'n.

Footnote 1:

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Footnote 2: Paradise Lost

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Footnote 3: Works and Days Yet still held state on earth, and guardians were

Of all best mortals still surviving there,

Observ'd works just and unjust, clad in air,

And gliding undiscovered everywhere.

Chapman's Translation.

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Contents

№ 13

Thursday, March 15, 1711

Аддисон

Dic mi hi si fueris tu leo qualis eris?

Mart.

There Nicolini's Hay-Market 1 Great Britain Hydaspes William's Nicolini Recitativo Orpheus Italy High Dutch Hydaspes

For (says he) I do not intend to hurt anybody.

Nicolini Hydaspes Italian I who 2 The Ass in the Lion's skin

Nicolini Drama Westminster-Hall

Nicolini Equestrian Pont-Neuf Paris London English Italian Great Britain

Footnote 1: Pyrrhus and Demetrius, Almahide Hydaspes Spectator History of the Opera 'after appealing to the monster in a minor key, and telling him that he may tear his bosom, but cannot touch his heart, he attacks him in the relative major, and strangles him.'

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Footnote 2:

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Contents

№ 14

Friday, March 16, 1711

Стиль

... Teque his, Infelix, exue monstris.

Ovid.

beau Monde The Lyon presents his humble Service to you, and desired me to give this into your own Hands.

From my Den in the Hay-market, March 15.

Sir

'I have read all your Papers, and have stifled my Resentment against your Reflections upon Operas, till that of this Day, wherein you plainly insinuate, that Signior Grimaldi and my self have a Correspondence more friendly than is consistent with the Valour of his Character, or the Fierceness of mine. I desire you would, for your own Sake, forbear such Intimations for the future; and must say it is a great Piece of Ill-nature in you, to show so great an Esteem for a Foreigner, and to discourage a Lyon that is your own Country-man.

I take notice of your Fable of the Lyon and Man, but am so equally concerned in that Matter, that I shall not be offended to which soever of the Animals the Superiority is given. You have misrepresented me, in saying that I am a Country-Gentleman, who act only for my Diversion; whereas, had I still the same Woods to range in which I once had when I was a Fox-hunter, I should not resign my Manhood for a Maintenance; and assure you, as low as my Circumstances are at present, I am so much a Man of Honour, that I would scorn to be any Beast for Bread but a Lyon.

Yours, &c.

viz

Covent Garden, March 13.

Sir,

'I Have been for twenty Years Under-Sexton of this Parish of St. Paul's, Covent-Garden, and have not missed tolling in to Prayers six times in all those Years; which Office I have performed to my great Satisfaction, till this Fortnight last past, during which Time I find my Congregation take the Warning of my Bell, Morning and Evening, to go to a Puppett-show set forth by one Powell, under the Piazzas. By this Means, I have not only lost my two Customers, whom I used to place for six Pence a Piece over against Mrs Rachel Eyebright, but Mrs Rachel herself is gone thither also. There now appear among us none but a few ordinary People, who come to Church only to say their Prayers, so that I have no Work worth speaking of but on Sundays. I have placed my Son at the Piazzas, to acquaint the Ladies that the Bell rings for Church, and that it stands on the other side of the Garden; but they only laugh at the Child.

I desire you would lay this before all the World, that I may not be made such a Tool for the Future, and that Punchinello may chuse Hours less canonical. As things are now, Mr Powell has a full Congregation, while we have a very thin House; which if you can Remedy, you will very much oblige,

Sir, Yours, &c.'

The 1

Sir,

'I Have observed the Rules of my Masque so carefully (in not enquiring into Persons), that I cannot tell whether you were one of the Company or not last Tuesday; but if you were not and still design to come, I desire you would, for your own Entertainment, please to admonish the Town, that all Persons indifferently are not fit for this Sort of Diversion. I could wish, Sir, you could make them understand, that it is a kind of acting to go in Masquerade, and a Man should be able to say or do things proper for the Dress in which he appears. We have now and then Rakes in the Habit of Roman Senators, and grave Politicians in the Dress of Rakes. The Misfortune of the thing is, that People dress themselves in what they have a Mind to be, and not what they are fit for. There is not a Girl in the Town, but let her have her Will in going to a Masque, and she shall dress as a Shepherdess. But let me beg of them to read the Arcadia, or some other good Romance, before they appear in any such Character at my House. The last Day we presented, every Body was so rashly habited, that when they came to speak to each other, a Nymph with a Crook had not a Word to say but in the pert Stile of the Pit Bawdry; and a Man in the Habit of a Philosopher was speechless, till an occasion offered of expressing himself in the Refuse of the Tyring-Rooms. We had a Judge that danced a Minuet, with a Quaker for his Partner, while half a dozen Harlequins stood by as Spectators: A Turk drank me off two Bottles of Wine, and a Jew eat me up half a Ham of Bacon. If I can bring my Design to bear, and make the Maskers preserve their Characters in my Assemblies, I hope you will allow there is a Foundation laid for more elegant and improving Gallantries than any the Town at present affords; and consequently that you will give your Approbation to the Endeavours of,

Sir, Your most obedient humble servant.'

Powell

Sir,

'The Opera at the Hay-Market, and that under the little Piazza in Covent-Garden, being at present the Two leading Diversions of the Town; and Mr Powell professing in his Advertisements to set up Whittington and his Cat against Rinaldo and Armida, my Curiosity led me the Beginning of last Week to view both these Performances, and make my Observations upon them.

First therefore, I cannot but observe that Mr Powell wisely forbearing to give his Company a Bill of Fare before-hand, every Scene is new and unexpected; whereas it is certain, that the Undertakers of the Hay-Market, having raised too great an Expectation in their printed Opera, very much disappointed their Audience on the Stage.

The King of Jerusalem is obliged to come from the City on foot, instead of being drawn in a triumphant Chariot by white Horses, as my Opera-Book had promised me; and thus, while I expected Armida's Dragons should rush forward towards Argantes, I found the Hero was obliged to go to Armida, and hand her out of her Coach. We had also but a very short Allowance of Thunder and Lightning; tho' I cannot in this Place omit doing Justice to the Boy who had the Direction of the Two painted Dragons, and made them spit Fire and Smoke: He flash'd out his Rosin in such just Proportions, and in such due Time, that I could not forbear conceiving Hopes of his being one Day a most excellent Player. I saw, indeed, but Two things wanting to render his whole Action compleat, I mean the keeping his Head a little lower, and hiding his Candle.

I observe that Mr Powell and the Undertakers had both the same Thought, and I think, much about the same time, of introducing Animals on their several Stages, though indeed with very different Success. The Sparrows and Chaffinches at the Hay-Market fly as yet very irregularly over the Stage; and instead of perching on the Trees and performing their Parts, these young Actors either get into the Galleries or put out the Candles; whereas Mr Powell has so well disciplined his Pig, that in the first Scene he and Punch dance a Minuet together. I am informed however, that Mr Powell resolves to excell his Adversaries in their own Way; and introduce Larks in his next Opera of Susanna, or Innocence betrayed, which will be exhibited next Week with a Pair of new Elders2.

The Moral of Mr Powell's Drama is violated I confess by Punch's national Reflections on the French, and King Harry's laying his Leg upon his Queen's Lap in too ludicrous a manner before so great an Assembly.

As to the Mechanism and Scenary, every thing, indeed, was uniform, and of a Piece, and the Scenes were managed very dexterously; which calls on me to take Notice, that at the Hay-Market the Undertakers forgetting to change their Side-Scenes, we were presented with a Prospect of the Ocean in the midst of a delightful Grove; and tho' the Gentlemen on the Stage had very much contributed to the Beauty of the Grove, by walking up and down between the Trees, I must own I was not a little astonished to see a well-dressed young Fellow in a full-bottomed Wigg, appear in the Midst of the Sea, and without any visible Concern taking Snuff.

I shall only observe one thing further, in which both Dramas agree; which is, that by the Squeak of their Voices the Heroes of each are Eunuchs; and as the Wit in both Pieces are equal, I must prefer the Performance of Mr Powell, because it is in our own Language.

'I am, &c.'

Footnote 1: Tomyris, Queen of Scythia 'I was born,' he said, 'a Swiss, and came to England without a farthing, where I have found means to gain, £5000 a-year, — and to spend it. Now I defy the ablest Englishman to go to Switzerland and either gain that income or spend it there.'

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cross-reference: return to Footnote 8 of No. 31

Footnote 2: History of Susanna Their Sights are so rich, is able to bewitch

The heart of a very fine man-a;

Here's 'Patient Grisel' here, and 'Fair Rosamond' there,

And 'the History of Susanna.'

Patient Grisel.

The Tatler the Creation of the World 'made the most like Florimel that ever was seen,' and 'when we came to Noah's Flood in the show, Punch and his wife were introduced dancing in the ark.'

'the then Ministry, who loved a little persecution well enough, was, however, so wise as not to disturb their madness, and only ordered one Powell, the master of a famous Puppet-Show, to make Punch turn Prophet; which he did so well, that it soon put an end to the prophets and their prophecies. The obscure Dr Sacheverell's fortune was made by a parliamentary prosecution' (from Feb. 27 to March 23, 1709-10) 'much about the same time the French Prophets were totally extinguished by a Puppet-Show'

(Misc. Works, ed. Maty., Vol. II, p. 523, 555).

No. 5 of the Spectator Whittington and his Cat Rinaldo and Armida No. 31.]

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cross-reference: return to Footnote 5 of No. 31

Contents

оригинальное рекламное объявление

On the first of April will be performed at the Play-house in the Hay-market, an Opera call'd

The Cruelty of Atreus.

N. B. The Scene wherein Thyestes eats his own Children,

is to be performed by the famous Mr Psalmanazar1,

lately arrived from Formosa;

The whole Supper being set to Kettle-drums.

R.

Advertisement Footnote 1:

Spectator

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№ 15

Saturday, March 17, 1711

Аддисон

Parva leves capiunt animos ...

Ovid.

France Cupids Venus Adonis

Cleanthe

Aurelia

Fulvia Fulvia

Virgil Camilla The Trojan who 1 A Golden Bow Hung upon his Shoulder; his Garment was buckled with a Golden Clasp, and his Head was covered with an Helmet of the same shining Mettle Amazon ... Totumque incauta per agmen

Fæmineo prædæ et spoliorum ardebat amore.

Footnote 1:

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Contents

№ 16

Monday, March 19, 1711

Аддисон

Quid verum atque decens curo et rogo, et omnis in hoc sum.

Hor.

I Fleet-street 1

The Censor of small Wares To lest they should 2

The who 3 Cælia, Phillis, Pastora In 4 Lais Silenus Caligula Rome

However my 5 which 6 If encreasing 7

To the Spectator.

March 15, 1710-11.

Sir,

'I Am at present so unfortunate, as to have nothing to do but to mind my own Business; and therefore beg of you that you will be pleased to put me into some small Post under you. I observe that you have appointed your Printer and Publisher to receive Letters and Advertisements for the City of London, and shall think my self very much honoured by you, if you will appoint me to take in Letters and Advertisements for the City of Westminster and the Dutchy of Lancaster. Tho' I cannot promise to fill such an Employment with sufficient Abilities, I will endeavour to make up with Industry and Fidelity what I want in Parts and Genius. I am,

Sir,

Your most obedient servant,

Charles Lillie.'

Footnote 1: Rainbow Rainbow Spectator's

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Footnote 2:

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Footnote 3:

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Footnote 4: Drawcansir Rehearsal Tyrannic Love,

Spite of myself, I'll stay, fight, love, despair;

And all this I can do, because I dare,

I drink, I huff, I strut, look big and stare;

And all this I can do, because I dare.

'At last, Drawcansir comes in and Kills them all on both Sides,' explaining himself in lines that begin,

Others may boast a single man to kill;

But I the blood of thousands daily spill.

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Footnote 5:

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Footnote 6:

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Footnote 7:

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Contents

№ 17

Tuesday, March 20, 1711

Стиль

... Tetrum ante Omnia vultum.

Juv.

Madam Maintenon's 1 Harry Falstaffe Shakespear Falstaffe Woolsack Bed-presser Hill of Flesh Starveling Elves-Skin Sheath Bowcase Tuck Oxford

'Most Profound Sir,

Having been very well entertained, in the last of your Speculations that I have yet seen, by your Specimen upon Clubs, which I therefore hope you will continue, I shall take the Liberty to furnish you with a brief Account of such a one as perhaps you have not seen in all your Travels, unless it was your Fortune to touch upon some of the woody Parts of the African Continent, in your Voyage to or from Grand Cairo. There have arose in this University (long since you left us without saying any thing) several of these inferior Hebdomadal Societies, as the Punning Club, the Witty Club, and amongst the rest, the Handsom Club; as a Burlesque upon which, a certain merry Species, that seem to have come into the World in Masquerade, for some Years last past have associated themselves together, and assumed the name of the Ugly Club: This ill-favoured Fraternity consists of a President and twelve Fellows; the Choice of which is not confin'd by Patent to any particular Foundation (as St. John's Men would have the World believe, and have therefore erected a separate Society within themselves) but Liberty is left to elect from any School in Great Britain, provided the Candidates be within the Rules of the Club, as set forth in a Table entituled The Act of Deformity. A Clause or two of which I shall transmit to you.

Что никто не должен быть допущен без заметной странности в облике или особого выражения лица; о чем должны решать президент и должностные лица на данный момент, причем президент имеет решающий голос.

Что при рассмотрении следует уделять особое внимание горбатости джентльменов, которые предлагают себя в качестве родственников основателей, или искривлению их фигуры в любом виде.

Что если размер чьего-либо носа явно неверно рассчитан, будь то по длине или ширине, он имеет законное право быть избранным.

'Lastly, That if there shall be two or more Competitors for the same Vacancy, cæteris paribus, he that has the thickest Skin to have the Preference.

Every fresh Member, upon his first Night, is to entertain the Company with a Dish of Codfish, and a Speech in praise of Æsop2; whose portraiture they have in full Proportion, or rather Disproportion, over the Chimney; and their Design is, as soon as their Funds are sufficient, to purchase the Heads of Thersites, Duns Scotus, Scarron, Hudibras, and the old Gentleman in Oldham3, with all the celebrated ill Faces of Antiquity, as Furniture for the Club Room.

As they have always been profess'd Admirers of the other Sex, so they unanimously declare that they will give all possible Encouragement to such as will take the Benefit of the Statute, tho' none yet have appeared to do it.

The worthy President, who is their most devoted Champion, has lately shown me two Copies of Verses composed by a Gentleman of his Society; the first, a Congratulatory Ode inscrib'd to Mrs. Touchwood, upon the loss of her two Fore-teeth; the other, a Panegyrick upon Mrs. Andirons left Shoulder. Mrs. Vizard (he says) since the Small Pox, is grown tolerably ugly, and a top Toast in the Club; but I never hear him so lavish of his fine things, as upon old Nell Trot, who constantly officiates at their Table; her he even adores, and extolls as the very Counterpart of Mother Shipton; in short, Nell (says he) is one of the Extraordinary Works of Nature; but as for Complexion, Shape, and Features, so valued by others, they are all meer Outside and Symmetry, which is his Aversion. Give me leave to add, that the President is a facetious, pleasant Gentleman, and never more so, than when he has got (as he calls 'em) his dear Mummers about him; and he often protests it does him good to meet a Fellow with a right genuine Grimmace in his Air, (which is so agreeable in the generality of the French Nation;) and as an Instance of his Sincerity in this particular, he gave me a sight of a List in his Pocket-book of all of this Class, who for these five Years have fallen under his Observation, with himself at the Head of 'em, and in the Rear (as one of a promising and improving Aspect),

Sir, Your Obliged and Humble Servant,

Alexander Carbuncle.[Сноска: Оксфорд, 12 марта 1710 г.]

Footnote 1: Relation Véritable de tout ce qui s'est passé en l'autre Monde, au combat des Parques et des Poëtes, sur la Mort de Voiture.

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Footnote 2: The Life of Æsop 'the most deformed of all men of his age, for he had a pointed head, flat nostrils, a short neck, thick lips, was black, pot-bellied, bow-legged, and hump-backed; perhaps even uglier than Homer's Thersites.'

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Footnote 3: The most

Ill-favoured wight was he, I ween, of all the Grecian host.

With hideous squint the railer leered: on one foot he was lame;

Forward before his narrow chest his hunching shoulders came;

Slanting and sharp his forehead rose, with shreds of meagre hair.

His beard

In cut and dye so like a tile

A sudden view it would beguile:

The upper part thereof was whey;

The nether, orange mix'd with grey.

This hairy meteor, &c.

Oldham Summon'd together, all th' officious band

The orders of their bedrid, chief attend.

Like Delphic Hag of old, by Fiend possest,

He swells, wild Frenzy heaves his panting breast,

His bristling hairs stick up, his eyeballs glow,

And from his mouth long strakes of drivel flow.

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Contents

№ 18

Wednesday, March 21, 1711

Аддисон

Equitis quoque jam migravit ab aure voluptas

Omnis ad incertos oculos et gaudia vana.

Hor.

It

Arsinoe 1 The which 2 This Day 3 That nothing is capable of being well set to Musick, that is not Nonsense.

This which 4 they 5 Camilla Barbara si t' intendo, &c.

Barbarous Woman, yes, I know your Meaning,

Frail are a Lovers Hopes, &c.

It which 6 And turned my Rage, into Pity;

And into Pity turn'd my Rage.

It And The Then, For, From; 7

We were 8 In the Beginning of the Eighteenth Century, the Italian Tongue was so well understood in England, that Operas were acted on the publick Stage in that Language.

Would Phædra Hippolitus 9 Plato

Footnote 1: Arsinoe No. 20 of the Spectator The Passion of Sappho, and Feast of Alexander: Set to Musick by Mr. Thomas Clayton, as it is performed at his house in York Buildings.

Rosamond Rosamond Camilla

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Footnote 2:

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Footnote 3:

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Footnote 4:

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Footnote 5:

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Footnote 6:

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Footnote 7: Rosciad In monosyllables his thunders roll,

He, she, it, and, we, ye, they, fright the soul.

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Footnote 8:

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Footnote 9: Phædra and Hippolitus Prologue Had Valentini, musically coy,

Shunned Phædra's Arms, and scorn'd the puffer'd Joy,

It had not moved your Wonder to have seen

An Eunich fly from an enamour'd Queen;

How would it please, should she in English speak,

And could Hippolitus reply in Greek!

Epilogue

Phædra Hippolitus Peace of Ryswick Æneid

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Contents

№ 19

Thursday, March 22, 1711

Стиль

Dii benefecerunt, inopis me quodque pusilli

Finxerunt animi, rarî et perpauca loquentis.

Hor.

Sir Francis Bacon 1

Will. Prosper Will.

Gentlemen, if you are sure none of you yourselves had an hand in it, you are but where you were, whoever writ it.

Upon 2 Spectator

Footnote 1: We see likewise, the Scripture calleth Envy an Evil Eye: And the Astrologers call the evil influences of the stars, Evil Aspects; so that still there seemeth to be acknowledged, in the act of envy, an ejaculation or irradiation of the eye. Nay some have been so curious as to note that the times when the stroke or percussion of an envious eye doth most hurt, are, when the party envied is beheld in glory or triumph; for that sets an edge upon Envy; And besides, at such times, the spirits of the persons envied do come forth most into the outward parts, and so meet the blow.

Bacon's Essays: IX Of Envy

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Footnote 2: No. 17

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Contents

№ 20

Friday, March 23, 1711

Стиль

Hom.

Spectator

'Sir,

There never was (I believe) an acceptable Man, but had some awkward Imitators. Ever since the Spectator appear'd, have I remarked a kind of Men, whom I choose to call Starers, that without any Regard to Time, Place, or Modesty, disturb a large Company with their impertinent Eyes. Spectators make up a proper Assembly for a Puppet-Show or a Bear-Garden; but devout Supplicants and attentive Hearers, are the Audience one ought to expect in Churches. I am, Sir, Member of a small pious congregation near one of the North Gates of this City; much the greater Part of us indeed are Females, and used to behave our selves in a regular attentive Manner, till very lately one whole Isle has been disturbed with one of these monstrous Starers: He's the Head taller than any one in the Church; but for the greater Advantage of exposing himself, stands upon a Hassock, and commands the whole Congregation, to the great Annoyance of the devoutest part of the Auditory; for what with Blushing, Confusion, and Vexation, we can neither mind the Prayers nor Sermon. Your Animadversion upon this Insolence would be a great favour to,

Sir,

Your most humble servant,

S. C.

Starer Will. Prosper Will

Starers Starers Starers

Starers Oxford Temple

I put an impudent Face upon the Matter

Contents

№ 21

Saturday, March 24, 17111

Аддисон

Locus est et phiribus Umbris.

Hor.

England

The Virgil's 2 Westminster-Hall Martial's Iras et verba locant.

These 3

Westminster-Hall

Sir William Temple Goths Vandals 4 Thor Woden British Cæsar's

London Vagellius

Footnote 1: Spectator

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Footnote 2:

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Footnote 3: Origines Juridiciales 'the music being begun, the Master of the Revels was twice called. At the second call, the Reader with the white staff advanced, and began to lead the measures, followed by the barristers and students in order; and when one measure was ended, the Reader at the cupboard called for another.'

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Footnote 4: Essay on Heroic Virtue 'This part of Scythia, in its whole Northern extent, I take to have been the vast Hive out of which issued so many mighty swarms of barbarous nations,' &c. And again, 'Each of these countries was like a mighty hive, which, by the vigour of propagation and health of climate, growing too full of people, threw out some new swarm at certain periods of time, that took wing and sought out some new abode, expelling or subduing the old inhabitants, and seating themselves in their rooms, if they liked the conditions of place and commodities of life they met with; if not, going on till they found some other more agreeable to their present humours and dispositions.' He attributes their successes and their rapid propagation to the greater vigour of life in the northern climates; and the only reason he gives for the absence of like effects during the continued presence of like causes is, that Christianity abated their enthusiasm and allayed 'the restless humour of perpetual wars and actions.'

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Contents

№ 22

Monday, March 26, 1711

Стиль

Quodcunque ostendis mihi sic incredulus odi.

Hor.

Spectator But shall therefore 1 and that the business of Playing is now so managed that you are not to be surprised when I say them 2

"Mr. Spectator,

Your having been so humble as to take Notice of the Epistles of other Animals, emboldens me, who am the wild Boar that was killed by Mrs. Tofts3, to represent to you, That I think I was hardly used in not having the Part of the Lion in Hydaspes given to me. It would have been but a natural Step for me to have personated that noble Creature, after having behaved my self to Satisfaction in the Part above-mention'd: But that of a Lion, is too great a Character for one that never trod the Stage before but upon two Legs. As for the little Resistance which I made, I hope it may be excused, when it is considered that the Dart was thrown at me by so fair an Hand. I must confess I had but just put on my Brutality; and Camilla's charms were such, that b-holding her erect Mien, hearing her charming Voice, and astonished with her graceful Motion, I could not keep up to my assumed Fierceness, but died like a Man.

I am Sir,

Your most humble Servan.,

Thomas Prone."

Mr. Spectator,

This is to let you understand, that the Play-House is a Representation of the World in nothing so much as in this Particular, That no one rises in it according to his Merit. I have acted several Parts of Household-stuff with great Applause for many Years: I am one of the Men in the Hangings in the Emperour of the Moon4; I have twice performed the third Chair in an English Opera; and have rehearsed the Pump in the Fortune-Hunters5. I am now grown old, and hope you will recommend me so effectually, as that I may say something before I go off the Stage: In which you will do a great Act of Charity to

Your most humble servant,

William Serene."

"Mr. Spectator,

Understanding that Mr. Serene has writ to you, and desired to be raised from dumb and still Parts; I desire, if you give him Motion or Speech, that you would advance me in my Way, and let me keep on in what I humbly presume I am a Master, to wit, in representing human and still Life together. I have several times acted one of the finest Flower-pots in the same Opera wherein Mr. Serene is a Chair; therefore, upon his promotion, request that I may succeed him in the Hangings, with my Hand in the Orange-Trees.

Your humble servant,

Ralph Simple."

Drury Lane, March 24, 1710-11.

Sir,

I saw your Friend the Templar this Evening in the Pit, and thought he looked very little pleased with the Representation of the mad Scene of the Pilgrim. I wish, Sir, you would do us the Favour to animadvert frequently upon the false Taste the Town is in, with Relation to Plays as well as Operas. It certainly requires a Degree of Understanding to play justly; but such is our Condition, that we are to suspend our Reason to perform our Parts. As to Scenes of Madness, you know, Sir, there are noble Instances of this Kind in Shakespear; but then it is the Disturbance of a noble Mind, from generous and humane Resentments: It is like that Grief which we have for the decease of our Friends: It is no Diminution, but a Recommendation of humane Nature, that in such Incidents Passion gets the better of Reason; and all we can think to comfort ourselves, is impotent against half what we feel. I will not mention that we had an Idiot in the Scene, and all the Sense it is represented to have, is that of Lust. As for my self, who have long taken Pains in personating the Passions, I have to Night acted only an Appetite: The part I play'd is Thirst, but it is represented as written rather by a Drayman than a Poet. I come in with a Tub about me, that Tub hung with Quart-pots; with a full Gallon at my Mouth6. I am ashamed to tell you that I pleased very much, and this was introduced as a Madness; but sure it was not humane Madness, for a Mule or an ass7 may have been as dry as ever I was in my Life.

I am, Sir, Your most obedient And humble servant."

"From the Savoy in the Strand.

Mr. Spectator,

If you can read it with dry Eyes, I give you this trouble to acquaint you, that I am the unfortunate King Latinus, and believe I am the first Prince that dated from this Palace since John of Gaunt. Such is the Uncertainty of all human Greatness, that I who lately never moved without a Guard, am now pressed as a common Soldier, and am to sail with the first fair Wind against my Brother Lewis of France. It is a very hard thing to put off a Character which one has appeared in with Applause: This I experienced since the Loss of my Diadem; for, upon quarrelling with another Recruit, I spoke my Indignation out of my Part in recitativo:

... Most audacious Slave, Dar'st thou an angry Monarch's Fury brave?8

The Words were no sooner out of my Mouth, when a Serjeant knock'd me down, and ask'd me if I had a Mind to Mutiny, in talking things no Body understood. You see, Sir, my unhappy Circumstances; and if by your Mediation you can procure a Subsidy for a Prince (who never failed to make all that beheld him merry at his Appearance) you will merit the Thanks of

Your friend,

The King of Latium."

Footnote 1:

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Footnote 2:

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Footnote 3:

Camilla. That Dorinda's my Name.

Linco. Well, I know't, I'll take care.

Camilla. And my Life scarce of late —

Linco. You need not repeat.

Prenesto. Help me! oh help me!

A wild Boar struck by Prenesto.

Huntsman. Let's try to assist him.

Linco. Ye Gods, what Alarm!

Huntsman. Quick run to his aid.

Enter Prenesto: The Boar pursuing him.

Prenesto. O Heav'ns! who defends me?

Camilla. My Arm.

She throws a Dart, and kills the Boar.

Linco. Dorinda of nothing afraid,

She's sprightly and gay, a valiant Maid,

And as bright as the Day.

Camilla. Take Courage, Hunter, the Savage is dead.

prime donne in 'sequestered from the world in a remote part of the house, and had a large garden to range in, in which she would frequently walk, singing and giving way to that innocent frenzy which had seized her in the earlier part of her life.'

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Footnote 4: Emperor of the Moon Harlequin I'Empereur dans le Monde de la Lune 'The Front of the Scene is only a Curtain or Hangings to be drawn up at Pleasure.'

'plac'd them all in the Hanging in which they make the Figures, where they stand without Motion in Postures.'

'the best in Italy for the Rareness of the Figures, sir.'

'placed on a Tree in the Hangings, hits him on the 'Head with his Truncheon.'

Spectator's

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Footnote 5: 'The Fortune Hunters, or Two Fools Well Met,' the Fortune Hunters

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Footnote 6: Pilgrim Some of pity

That it would make ye melt to see their passions,

And some as light again.

Give me some drink,

Fill me a thousand pots and froth 'em, froth 'em!

Those English are so malt-mad, there's no meddling with 'em.

When they've a fruitful year of barley there,

All the whole Island's thus.

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Footnote 7:

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Footnote 8: Camilla

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Contents

оригинальное рекламное объявление

For the Good of the Publick.

Within two Doors of the Masquerade lives an eminent Italian Chirurgeon,

arriv'd from the Carnaval at Venice,

of great Experience in private Cures.

Accommodations are provided, and Persons admitted in their masquing Habits.

He has cur'd since his coming thither, in less than a Fortnight,

Four Scaramouches,

a Mountebank Doctor,

Two Turkish Bassas,

Three Nuns,

and a Morris Dancer.

"Venienti occurrite morbo."

N. B. Any Person may agree by the Great, and be kept in Repair by the Year.

The Doctor draws Teeth without pulling off your Mask.

R.

№ 23

Tuesday, March 27, 17111

Аддисон

Savit atrox Volscens, nec teli conspicit usquam

Auctorem nec quo se ardens immittere possit.

Vir.

Socrates's This Aristophanes 2 Socrates

When Julius Cæsar Catullus 3 Mazarine Quillet This 4

Sextus Quintus Pasquin Pasquin Rome The 5 Aretine 6 Persia

I Roger l'Estrange 7 'A company of Waggish Boys were watching of Frogs at the side of a Pond, and still as any of 'em put up their Heads, they'd be pelting them down again with Stones. Children (says one of the Frogs), you never consider that though this may be Play to you, 'tis Death to us.'

As 8

Footnote 1: Spectator Spectators 'Have you seen the Spectators yet, a paper that comes out every day? It is written by Mr. Steele, who seems to have gathered new life and have a new fund of wit; it is in the same nature as his Tatlers, and they have all of them had something pretty. I believe Addison and he club.'

'The Spectator is written by Steele with Addison's help; 'tis often very pretty.'

'I yet know no man half so agreeable to me as he is.'

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Footnote 2: Plato's Phædon The Clouds 'that when the man is dead, the soul exists and retains thought and power,' Plato represents him as suggesting: Not the sharpest censor 'could say that in now discussing such matters, I am dealing with what does not concern me.'

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Footnote 3: Poems Life of Julius Cæsar letters 'after the eighth hour in the bath; then he heard De Mamurrâ; did not change countenance; was anointed; lay down; took an emetic.'

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Footnote 4: Callipædia 'Trinacriis devectus ab oris advena.'

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Footnote 5:

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Footnote 6: il Flagello de' Principi

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Footnote 7: Fables of Æsop and other eminent Mythologists, with 'Morals and Reflections. By Sir Roger l'Estrange. Boys and Frogs

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Footnote 8:

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Contents

№ 24

Wednesday, March 28, 1711

Стиль

Accurrit quidam notus mihi nomine tantum;

Arreptaque manu, Quid agis dulcissime rerum?

Hor.

Park What such Fellows 1

Mr. Spectator,

'The Aversion I for some Years have had to Clubs in general, gave me a perfect Relish for your Speculation on that Subject; but I have since been extremely mortified, by the malicious World's ranking me amongst the Supporters of such impertinent Assemblies. I beg Leave to state my Case fairly; and that done, I shall expect Redress from your judicious Pen.

I am, Sir, a Batchelour of some standing, and a Traveller; my Business, to consult my own Humour, which I gratify without controuling other People's; I have a Room and a whole Bed to myself; and I have a Dog, a Fiddle, and a Gun; they please me, and injure no Creature alive. My chief Meal is a Supper, which I always make at a Tavern. I am constant to an Hour, and not ill-humour'd; for which Reasons, tho' I invite no Body, I have no sooner supp'd, than I have a Crowd about me of that sort of good Company that know not whither else to go. It is true every Man pays his Share, yet as they are Intruders, I have an undoubted Right to be the only Speaker, or at least the loudest; which I maintain, and that to the great Emolument of my Audience. I sometimes tell them their own in pretty free Language; and sometimes divert them with merry Tales, according as I am in Humour. I am one of those who live in Taverns to a great Age, by a sort of regular Intemperance; I never go to Bed drunk, but always flustered; I wear away very gently; am apt to be peevish, but never angry. Mr. Spectator, if you have kept various Company, you know there is in every Tavern in Town some old Humourist or other, who is Master of the House as much as he that keeps it. The Drawers are all in Awe of him; and all the Customers who frequent his Company, yield him a sort of comical Obedience. I do not know but I may be such a Fellow as this my self. But I appeal to you, whether this is to be called a Club, because so many Impertinents will break in upon me, and come without Appointment? Clinch of Barnet2 has a nightly Meeting, and shows to every one that will come in and pay; but then he is the only Actor. Why should People miscall things?

If his is allowed to be a Consort, why mayn't mine be a Lecture? However, Sir, I submit it to you, and am,

Sir,

Your most obedient, Etc.

Tho. Kimbow.'

Good Sir,

'You and I were press'd against each other last Winter in a Crowd, in which uneasy Posture we suffer'd together for almost Half an Hour. I thank you for all your Civilities ever since, in being of my Acquaintance wherever you meet me. But the other Day you pulled off your Hat to me in the Park, when I was walking with my Mistress: She did not like your Air, and said she wonder'd what strange Fellows I was acquainted with. Dear Sir, consider it is as much as my Life is Worth, if she should think we were intimate; therefore I earnestly intreat you for the Future to take no Manner of Notice of,

Sir,

Your obliged humble Servant,

Will. Fashion.'

A like 3 is Madam,

'I take this Way to acquaint you with what common Rules and Forms would never permit me to tell you otherwise; to wit, that you and I, tho' Equals in Quality and Fortune, are by no Means suitable Companions. You are, 'tis true, very pretty, can dance, and make a very good Figure in a publick Assembly; but alass, Madam, you must go no further; Distance and Silence are your best Recommendations; therefore let me beg of you never to make me any more Visits. You come in a literal Sense to see one, for you have nothing to say. I do not say this that I would by any Means lose your Acquaintance; but I would keep it up with the Strictest Forms of good Breeding. Let us pay Visits, but never see one another: If you will be so good as to deny your self always to me, I shall return the Obligation by giving the same Orders to my Servants. When Accident makes us meet at a third Place, we may mutually lament the Misfortune of never finding one another at home, go in the same Party to a Benefit-Play, and smile at each other and put down Glasses as we pass in our Coaches. Thus we may enjoy as much of each others Friendship as we are capable: For there are some People who are to be known only by Sight, with which sort of Friendship I hope you will always honour,

Madam,

Your most obedient humble Servant,

Mary Tuesday.

P.S. I subscribe my self by the Name of the Day I keep, that my supernumerary Friends may know who I am.

Footnote 1:

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Footnote 2: 'the Horses, the Huntsmen and a Pack of Hounds, a Sham Doctor, an old Woman, the Bells, the Flute, the Double Curtell (or bassoon) and the Organ, — all with his own Natural Voice, to the greatest perfection.'

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Footnote 3:

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Contents

оригинальное рекламное объявление

To prevent all Mistakes that may happen

among Gentlemen of the other End of the Town,

who come but once a Week to St. James's Coffee-house,

either by miscalling the Servants,

or requiring such things from them as are not properly within their respective Provinces;

this is to give Notice, that Kidney, Keeper of the Book-Debts of the outlying Customers,

and Observer of those who go off without paying,

having resigned that Employment,

is succeeded by John Sowton;

to whose Place of Enterer of Messages and first Coffee-Grinder,

William Bird is promoted;

and Samuel Burdock comes as Shooe-Cleaner

in the Room of the said Bird.

R.

№ 25

Thursday, March 29, 1711

Аддисон

... Ægrescitque medendo.

Vir.

Sir,

'I am one of that sickly Tribe who are commonly known by the Name of Valetudinarians, and do confess to you, that I first contracted this ill Habit of Body, or rather of Mind, by the Study of Physick. I no sooner began to peruse Books of this Nature, but I found my Pulse was irregular, and scarce ever read the Account of any Disease that I did not fancy my self afflicted with. Dr. Sydenham's learned Treatise of Fevers1 threw me into a lingring Hectick, which hung upon me all the while I was reading that excellent Piece. I then applied my self to the Study of several Authors, who have written upon Phthisical Distempers, and by that means fell into a Consumption, till at length, growing very fat, I was in a manner shamed out of that Imagination. Not long after this I found in my self all the Symptoms of the Gout, except Pain, but was cured of it by a Treatise upon the Gravel, written by a very Ingenious Author, who (as it is usual for Physicians to convert one Distemper into another) eased me of the Gout by giving me the Stone. I at length studied my self into a Complication of Distempers; but accidentally taking into my Hand that Ingenious Discourse written by Sanctorius2, I was resolved to direct my self by a Scheme of Rules, which I had collected from his Observations. The Learned World are very well acquainted with that Gentleman's Invention; who, for the better carrying on of his Experiments, contrived a certain Mathematical Chair, which was so Artifically hung upon Springs, that it would weigh any thing as well as a Pair of Scales. By this means he discovered how many Ounces of his Food pass'd by Perspiration, what quantity of it was turned into Nourishment, and how much went away by the other Channels and Distributions of Nature.

Having provided myself with this Chair, I used to Study, Eat, Drink, and Sleep in it; insomuch that I may be said, for these three last Years, to have lived in a Pair of Scales. I compute my self, when I am in full Health, to be precisely Two Hundred Weight, falling short of it about a Pound after a Day's Fast, and exceeding it as much after a very full Meal; so that it is my continual Employment, to trim the Ballance between these two Volatile Pounds in my Constitution. In my ordinary Meals I fetch my self up to two Hundred Weight and a half pound3; and if after having dined I find my self fall short of it, I drink just so much Small Beer, or eat such a quantity of Bread, as is sufficient to make me weight. In my greatest Excesses I do not transgress more than the other half Pound; which, for my Healths sake, I do the first Monday in every Month. As soon as I find my self duly poised after Dinner, I walk till I have perspired five Ounces and four Scruples; and when I discover, by my Chair, that I am so far reduced, I fall to my Books, and Study away three Ounces more. As for the remaining Parts of the Pound, I keep no account of them. I do not dine and sup by the Clock, but by my Chair, for when that informs me my Pound of Food is exhausted I conclude my self to be hungry, and lay in another with all Diligence. In my Days of Abstinence I lose a Pound and an half, and on solemn Fasts am two Pound lighter than on other Days in the Year.

I allow my self, one Night with another, a Quarter of a Pound of Sleep within a few Grains more or less; and if upon my rising I find that I have not consumed my whole quantity, I take out the rest in my Chair. Upon an exact Calculation of what I expended and received the last Year, which I always register in a Book, I find the Medium to be two hundred weight, so that I cannot discover that I am impaired one Ounce in my Health during a whole Twelvemonth. And yet, Sir, notwithstanding this my great care to ballast my self equally every Day, and to keep my Body in its proper Poise, so it is that I find my self in a sick and languishing Condition. My Complexion is grown very sallow, my Pulse low, and my Body Hydropical. Let me therefore beg you, Sir, to consider me as your Patient, and to give me more certain Rules to walk by than those I have already observed, and you will very much oblige